A moment

Last night I had a huge moment of weakness and insecurity.

I feel like I want to fall asleep and not wake up. Like my life has just plummeted to nothing and all that I had is gone. I'm stuck here living in our apartment and I feel like I'm stuck here looking through a glass wall, everything I had and loved still moves on in everyday life, but it no longer belongs to me.

I hate when you act like nothing has changed, even though you took everything away from me.

I'm so unhappy I want to run away. It sounds so childish but I want to hop on a plane and just disappear right now.

I hate eating, because you say that I'm too fat for you. I'm not attractive enough for you.

Three years of my life gone to you because I was there as a convenience. To help pay the bills, cook and clean for you.

You broke my heart and you still try to use me.

I'm tired of talking about it to my friends. I feel like I need to but I feel like I say too much all the time, that they will get tired of me always dwelling.

But I don't know how to move on, not while I'm still trapped here.

Two more months. That's all I have. I think I can last without doing anything too drastic.

This is goodbye

Stop giving me mixed signals

You don't want to be with me but you don't want to let go?

I can't handle being torn from the inside out.

So this is it. You gave me your answer without even realizing it.

I am leaving.

Goodbye

I'm Done

I'm just done.

I'm stupid for thinking otherwise.

It's over, and I don't want to talk about it.

This is Hard on me

I hate feeling depressed all the time and on the verge of tears, it's embarrassing. I hate growing feelings for someone else and then feeling guilty for no reason at all.

I'm single,

and yet I'm not.

I hate this.

Maybe once I get away I can finally start to feel better again. about myself and Life in general.

I just don't

I know I have to let go, even though he's important to me

I know I have to move on, even though everything we own we share

I know that I have to say goodbye, even though I love him

...



I know that I have to... even if I don't want to.

Because you can't force someone to love you, no matter how unconditional your love to them has been...

I love you.

Is this goodbye?

Ouch

So due to recent events I have been reading my heart out lately (to keep my mind occupied) and I recently bought, "the shack" since just about half my family has read it. So far I am to the 5th chapter and I already want to cry, especially since it's so close to home.

It takes place in Oregon, based on true somewhat recent events. One devastating, situation that one family is put through, helps them, one man in particular, find their faith.

I would imagine that this book would be even more powerful to someone with children, especially little girls.

I try to imagine myself in that sort of pain and realize that it is far more deep than the pain I feel now. I hope that I will never have to experience that suffering.

Rest in peace love.

It's true what they say..

That you never really miss someone until they are gone... I just hope that I am not the only one feeling that way in this situation.

I am giving him his space because this is what he wanted and for a while there It was what I wanted as well. Now I am not so sure.

I started taking natural sleeping pills to help me sleep at night and they really work. I find myself falling asleep and waking up anywhere from 6 and a half to 8 hours later. I feel amazing, I'm more energized and I can think more clearly.

I also realized how in love I am with lance and that hes not totally at fault for the way our relation ship is at the moment. I have not been great to him either lately due to my own stress and insomnia. I have been taking it out on him a lot, and now I feel like it's too late...

He's not sure that he even really loves me anymore, and that alone breaks my heart. I am not sure how to handle it because as of right now I can't imagine my life without him. I'm staying with a friend for at least a week to give him his space.

I took him for granted and I am so sorry.
All I can pray for now is that he can love me again...
or that my heart will be able to withstand it's break.

I love you, please forgive me

What makes this even harder for me, is today is our 3 year anniversary... so many awesome memories torment me right now...

Heatbreaking

The closer I try to get to him the more he's pushing me away. I guess it's quitting time.

I'm so hopeless

You think I would learn by now, just to shut up and keep it to myself.

Then maybe I wouldn't feel like crawling under a rock to die.


It's only my own stupid fault.

The German insomniac

It's simply amazing, i haven't spoken or really been around the German language for year and years, (since I was like 4!) and yet I can understand it when I read it ( very VERY slowly of course) and when I sound it out lol.

I am not sure why it makes me so happy with myself. Maybe its because I feel accomplished or I have the ability to do something I did think was even possible anymore.

All I can think about now is, "why the hell am I posting a blog about this now?"

Because this is why I started a blog, for my been able to mindless nonsense that no one wants to hear me babble on about.

I have actually had a lot on my mind lately. It's kind of irritating because I haven't been able to fall asleep at night. I know I have a serious problem with insomnia, but it's been horrid lately. I can feel it taking a toll on my body and mental state of mind, and it doesn't feel good. I have tried drinking chamomile before I go to bed, but it hasn't been working. So I think I am going to have to invest in some pills, because I can't focus on anything,I've been loosing my balance, my hand eye coordination sucks, and I drag my feet during the day.

Yesterday I was so out of it I stabbed myself in the eye at work with a cardboard box. I had to help customers with a shut watering eye. I must have looked ridiculous.

Viruses can kiss the whitest part of my...

Yeah so after 2 dramatic weeks I have my lap top back up and running. It was very frustrating and mentally draining, but in the end I found the disk I needed to completely wipe out my computer and reload the factory disks... which means not only did I loose all of my files but I lost some of the programs I bought with my computer. Not many but a few that will be missed.

Lance got himself a new computer.

I'm a little jealous, because it's of course the one that I wanted. But hey, what can you do right?

Get over it.

Little Fish Rant

So my Parents went out and bought me a Betta Fish, as a feel better gift, because I have been going through a lot of crap lately.

They know how much I love them and offered to buy me one. At first I declined them like 5 times but then when I saw all of them I was like a little kid in a candy store. I love looking through the Bettas.

At one point after high school I had up to 5 bettas at the same time (all in separate bowls of course). My longest however was my first one back in grade school, the one that started my strange fixation on the fish. He was a homely red and blue betta and my dad caught me eying him at the pet store and bought him for me. I named him Cleo lol, and I had him for over 5 years.

Now after having over 9 bettas total, I have never had one so lazy and unwilling to eat. It has been 4 days and he hasn't eaten a thing! I was starting to wonder if it was the food I bought him, and I decided to look it up.

No one has ever told me that bettas need warm water. I never knew they depended on it my fish never had an issue with slightly cold water up until this one. I decided to give it a try and changed his water, and learned that my fish is a spaz.

He still has not eaten but I am thinking about buying him some other foods.

Now that hes happy and moving around I can see just how pretty he is!

His body is yellow and his fins are a deep blue with accents of red. He also has little black freckles and white tips on his pelvic fins.

His name is Hermes.

Warm Fuzzy Feelings

After seeing baby pictures of my cousin and wife's new little girl, It almost makes me forget that I am pissed off at my own brother for not telling me about their own child. ( They had both their babies a few days apart) Still hurts a little. But I am glad that my cousin called me to let me know and his wife isn't afraid to talk to me or dress her girl in pink. There ARE in fact normal people in my family.

They may not be blood but they are still family.

You probably wont read this but Congratulations on the New edition to the Warren Family. She is beautiful.

I'm a little agitated

I became an aunt twice this week.

both baby girls.

But I only got one phone call. I guess the other doesn't believe that I need to know.
...because they no longer see me as a part of this family?

That's really how I feel right now.

I hate it

Hate it, hate it, hate it...

and I have no idea what to do about it.

I hate this torn feeling.

What should I do?

Or will my decision be made for me,

and break my heart at the same time?

Shellfish

Hmm I hate when people say they are trying to help you out but they are really just disguising the fact that they are really only trying to help themselves out.

So in the process they become severely insensitive to your feelings.

3 years is a long time to just throw away

My heart and emotions are confused as it is.

don't let your selfishness destroy something important.

blech

Emotions are irritating...

I hate mine, they are pestering and unfair.

But they are honest and raw.

I may be able to hide it from everyone else but not myself.

Is that fair?

Irritating...

I hate being bitter,

I hate hiding myself, my past, my fears, my wants, and desires.

My dreams...

I told someone today, what I went through years ago.

Everyone goes through heartache.

Because I was trying to make a point, to someone else.

I feel left open and vulnerable.

What a sorry piece of work I am, so paranoid.

I feel almost like I might have made a mistake. I have let someone take a little piece of me when I know good and well, that giving something that precious, and yet simple, thing away...

It's like relieving a paper cut. Once you let sand in there it will burn.

Once you let someone know who you are they can hurt you.

Why am I so bitter?

I let someone in on a secrete today

It made me paranoid.

Yet at the same time

It felt good to let it go.

Over and Over again...

A dose of depression in the morning and a cup of anxiety at night...

Man this routine is getting old!

I hate how uncontrollable and obnoxious it is.

I'm going to make 2009 a better year for me.

It Hurts...

Watching someone that you care about go through the same problems that you did. You want to be there for them and tell them that it's going to be ok, but you know that it's really not.

It might get better, eventually, after the scars heal. I guess all that I can do is be there as a leg to stand on when theirs fails them.

I love you.

I am just ranting :(

I have been taking the max and bus all week in the snow to get to work because I knew that people were calling in sick and not coming in.

Now because of that I am getting sick because I don't really have any proper snow gear, especially boots, I have been wearing my chucks cause that is really all that I have next to my jogging shoes.

So yesterday me and my Lance both worked and last night when I got off of work at 7:15 my boyfriends car was totally buried in snow. And this morning it has not gotten any better.

I called in because of the circumstances and my manager just made me feel horrible. She told me I should have been prepared... I can't afford boots regardless. Then started to say OK over everything I tried to say and told me that she will not be giving me my holiday pay for this week and hung up on me... and made me cry...

One choice word right now that I will say aloud to myself, after I call the union.

I feel funny.

Maybe it's the depression. I have all this time on my hands and I really accomplished nothing. I had the whole day off yesterday and I worked on my homework only to realize that I hadn't changed a single thing!

Yeah I was working on it but I kept drifting off into a numb state of mind where I wasn't really sure what I was thinking about but I was lost somewhere in deep concentration and thought.

and while I am typing this I have discovered that I really can... type without staring at the keyboard... strange...

...

My heart is torn...

And I am not sure what to do about it...

I hate this...


Eh? what is this? A foot Note? :
Love is complicated, Love hurts, Love is unfair...

Who would have known?

Looking back at the person that I was in high school, I never would have thought that I would say homework is extremely enjoyable... but that is only because I really like working in html I like fixing random errors that are sometimes are impossible to find but have the capability of throwing your whole page off!

I feel a little better after sending it my last lab work but I am exhausted. No sleep for Natasha for the last few days. I am instead tossing around and letting petty thoughts invade me. I need prayer.

On another note I want to say that I am sad after hearing about at least 2 deaths yesterday on black Friday. Both at a Walmart in two different locations. Both employees trampled to death when customers shoved their way in. I am ashamed in them. I hope those socks were worth taking away someoned life. My only question is, did no one notice when they where stepping on a body? No Big deal or what?

I hope for their sake they are in a better place and in peace.

Hearing things like that, sadly I will admit, make me even more bitter towards people.

Like I said,

I'm ashamed.

So very sick and tired

My legs are killing me.

I feel trapped, and very emotional.

I don't think I can control it anymore and it scares me. I am fine everywhere else but when I am there. Everything just seems to be running in the direction of chaos and getting worse, I start losing control. I want to fall asleep and never wake up. I find more comfort in my dreams before the waking hour of when they turn to nightmares. I dwell.

But I am responsible. I know what life requires and I know that it could be worse. I try to find solutions and only find dead ends. I feel the pain of depression in the morning and anxiety at night.

All I can say is thank you God for ADD, but I need some help.

No body Panic!!

...But I think I just had an epiphany!

I concentrate so much of Death, It's purpose and meaning, and all the other fun little details. (Maybe fun is not really the word.) It finally all hit me like I figured out a how the pieces fit.

Death in inevitable so you shouldn't ever be afraid of die, because in the end your really just afraid to live with what you've got left. (Whoot! this is a me quote people, lets hang my name off of it!)
-natasha

Cheesy? Maybe...

I'll live lol...

Happy Halloween indeed...

I like how when I am the victim I somehow turn into the "bad guy." When I am upset and lash back to defend myself I am in the wrong. But it's a-ok for me to be mistreated and then scolded for trying to do something about it.

and I like that for a second there, I actually started to blame myself. But unfortunately it's been more than a second because I've done it every time.

I am sick of being treated like the underdog. Not even my own boyfriend gives me the courtesy anymore.

If I can't defend myself and stand up for myself when I am mistreated, at work, at home, at the freaking bus stop!!! Then I am just going to walk away and leave it all behind me because I am so damn tired.

Common courtesy is all that I am asking for, just give it to me please?

oh yeah, Happy Halloween....

A tad frustraited.

I have always wanted to be a graphic designer. After the last year I have been more and more interested in Web design. I took a class in high school and I really liked it.

Me and my boyfriend are in the same html class together with two of his friends that wanted to take it as well.

I told the teacher that I wanted to go after the associates degree instead of just the certification. Now my boyfriend is saying that he wants to do the same thing.

What I am frustrated about is the fact that he is not much of a clingy, follower, has to do what my girlfriends doing kind of person. In fact he is the exact opposite. I am afraid that he might just dismiss the fact that that this is what I have been wanting to do and assume that I am the one being that way ( as it has happened in the past).

Puts a damper on my goals a little bit. But I have decided that it doesn't matter. He can do what ever he wants and me the same. If he doesn't like it then he can be the one to make a career change.

!

I almost completely forgot what I was going to say here!

I was walking to the max the other day on my way to work and as usual my mind was running circles around reality.

I started thinking about my art work and pieces that I have started or not yet started that I would much rather being doing then heading to work. Then I was distracted by some little black birds taking a bath in a puddle.

It was adorable.

I then actually looked around me to see the color changing trees and it made me think about God. He created all of this around me and it has to be the most beautiful and creative artwork without comparison. And it made me wonder if art is some thing that only God can create.

Something that "artists" can only try to imitate.

Ooooo..

Sketch blog?

Just for fun?

Sound good?

'eah I am going to do it.

indecisivenessssss

I am so indecisive.

I cant stand apartment shopping and now as I have just recently found out I hate looking for an affordable but GOOD school.

Everything has pros and cons...

EVERYTHING!

Repetition

...What a nasty thing you are.

I am in an indescribable mood right now. Not sure how I am feeling, not sure what exactly that it is that I am thinking of. I just... am.

Life is so frustrating sometimes and I am not specifically talking about my own life, but more that it is frustrating watching people make the wrong choices. Especially people you are close to. Sometimes I wish I could sit them down and make all the choices for them and tell them, "this is real life, this how it's done." But I was not build strong enough to play God.

And then I wonder why. I sometimes view life like the game of Sims. We are all walking around almost mindless and God is controlling the clicks, but if that's the case then why do we have so much freedom. Why did he create us with free will. If he knows the outcome then what is the point? Are you telling me that we are doomed to fail? Or did God give us a real opportunity to surprise even him?

We are all so unique so amazing and yet we create our own habits that send us into nothingness. Our world is lazy. I blame video games and TV. I like it just as much as the next person but where have our goals gone to? What do we strive for anymore? Everyday the murder count goes up, everyday the crime rate grows, drop outs, suicides, theft, grows. We are destroying our own and it's frustrating. I also blame it on lack of responsibility and birth control. It all starts with people who should not be parents who become so.

Because one person who doesn't give a shit raising a child in the world today, who isn't going to give a shit.

lalalalaaaalalaaa

I am in class right now waiting for it to start. I wish that it was more days a week than just one because I really enjoy it.

I have been looking into other school and thinking about transferring. We'll seeeeeee....

Web Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiite

Hmm Had my second class today and I am disappointed that the teacher has already cancled next Wednesdays class. But the good news is, that he has asked us to make a basic website and I am pretty exited about that... although I am not sure what I am going to make it on.

So I had my first class today

We were 15 minuets late,
The Teacher was 30

But over all I loved the class. It's my fist class ever in college so it all feels like a huge deal to me.
I feel exited about something. That doesn't happen to often anymore.

I feel like hurting you...

I am upset right now with life and it's constant unfairness...

Today I got pulled into the managers office and as I was listening to what they were telling me I was literally in shock.

I have been having issues with the fact that I have been picking up extra slack at work for people who choose not to do it themselves. ( whom all will remain nameless)

Especially when the get credited for the work that I did!

And as for closing I for one like to get out on time, I hate staying until all hours of the night because people can't finish their own work, sometimes we have pig like customers that make it hard but most of the time this is not the case.

Basically I was told that even though one employee gives zero effort and another gives 400% as long as the work gets done that is all that matters. There is nothing that I myself can do about it but suck it up and do the other persons work...

Where is the fairness in that? What the Hell is wrong with this world? All I could ask myself all day is why am I even trying?

Why do I even care if I get these 5 projects that no one decided to help me with all day. It's OBVIOUSLY not that big of a deal, so I guess I just shouldn't get my self all worked up over it.

So I didn't do it.


Unfortunately I am not wound that way.

She also told me that I seem unhappy where I am at...

Not shit Sherlock...

I need to smile more they told me

It gets hard trying to fake it all the time...

It's getting bad

I am trying to hold out.

If I can just wait till the 21 of this month quitting will be justified.

But work among other things is starting to wear me down, I really hate my job because I have discovered that I really dislike people.

They are rude, pigheaded, liars, thieves, and just plain out stupid enough to make a slug look like a graduated student from Yale.

I have noticed that the more I am forced to be there the more irrational I start thinking.
My life just plain sucks right now, and I think that the only thing making me think strait is knowing how my choices will affect the people that love me and think of me (which to me right now doesn't seem like very many) and my faith in the fact that God has something better planed for me.

And above all I am a smarter person than that. I know there are other paths even though they are harder and well hidden.

I am not trying to scare you guys and I only really writing this because I am hoping that buy reading it over again It will help me think clearer.

So for those of you who care (and God of course),

thank you for saving my life.

The Frustration

I believe that not only you make up your life but the people who are in it as well.

People your close to like friends and family.

And sometimes things don't work out which causes a split in the seam of things

and in the end half of you starts to fade away in to memories of people who are no longer - they are already changed and are living lives without you.

...and now I only know them through photographs.

According to my quiz...

I can take on 21 5 year olds in a fight... Interesting.

I am pooped from work, ( and here we go I'm going to bitch about work again)

But I think that I have discovered what is that drives me so crazy when I am there.

I don't cope well with stupidity.

I believe that everyone was born equipped with common sense some people just don't use it enough to acknowledge it when it's smacking you in the face.

I am talking about majority of customers AND coworkers. ( Some of them Stupid AND Lazy! )

OHMIGAWSSHH...
I have one more moth to go, I really hope I will make it before I grab someone by the hair and start smacking their face into the check stand.

That is all.

.... Omg

So I was filling out some applications and I was looking for my tax info... And I found this purple disc which had been lost and forgotten. I had a small hunch of what might have been on it and too my surprise...
I was right.

It was a small collection of artwork that I had kept on a disc after school, of all of my first pictures I have ever photoshoped.

And Ladies and Gentlemen may I present to you my VERY First creation on adobe Photoshop,


I think that I can safely say that my talent has come a LONG way, I have to say that this picture is about 5 to 6 years old.

And when I opened the file,

It made me smile :)

Whhaaaatt?

I am upset, VERY upset.

I am not going to say why, but I am just angry.

Life is precious and people who disregard it just pisses me off.

Unfortunate events

I went to the hospital today with a group of my friends, to visit a good friend a coworker. I had a hard time looking at him. He seemed so positive, but I think that we all knew what was going on in the back of his mind.

A few days back he was in the car with mother, the light changed and as his mom drove out someone ran a red light and slammed into them, his mother died on impact. Whats really hard is the fact that his dad passed away almost three years ago.

The only positive thing that I keep telling myself is that she is in a better place and with her husband now.

In the hospital I kept having flashbacks back when I was a kid, staying behind in the hospital waiting for my dad to wake up.

And looking at this great kid who was laying there in pain knowing that he was broken not just physically but mentally broke my heart. He is a good guy and his mother was the sweetest women you would ever meet. I was having a hard time keeping tears back, so I pathetically left the room early

And I keep asking myself, Why to horrible things happen to the best of people?

Makes you realize how mortal you really are.

Blahhhhh

I always day dream about my life starting with, " once upon a time... " and getting swept off of my feet because quite frankly my life and current relationship are kind of on the rocks...

I suppose that it's nice to day dream about things but in the end it gets rather depressing knowing that there is no such thing, and certainly not for me. I feel like I'm just going in circles and trying to get out of it just ends with a door in my face and me going back to the same routine.

Sometimes my boyfriend frustrates me. Makes me feel like I'm not important, and not in the silly petty ways that I hear other girls whine about, but not enough to justify ending it in whimsical decision.

Then he does something for me that I wasn't expecting, something that actually requires him to go out of his way without my asking that is so thoughtful it makes me realize he's trying to say, "I love you babe, even if I have a hard time showing it all the time, I love you."

I love you too.

P.S. My 21 birthday last Thursday, he made it so wonderful

Disney made me cry :'(

So I was cleaning and I put it the "Little Mermaid" to have some back round noise. Then I put in disc two and watched the features, yadda yadda...

Then I watched the 7 min short story "The little Match Girl"

I got all teary eyed. It was so heart breaking. I can't believe Disney would have remade something so sad.

My 4th

So My 4th was pretty good. I had to wake up and go to work at 8am and I was off by 5...

And I bought sparklers!!
Me and Lance walk around the block (after our sparklers) and watched all the fire works.
It was pretty amazing.

Another rant about my job

So I am upset.

Every time I buy food because we have none at home it's always on my last break and I have to put the cold items in the fridge, well at anytime from 8:30 to 11:30 when I get off someone has already stolen it.

This is not ok people.

The first time it was a pack of soda for Lance because he wasn't feeling good and thats what he wanted. Someone stole it. That upset me off but I let it go. But when you start stealing my dinner almost every other night I'm gonna get pissed off.

It is no ok to steal my $10 bag of chicken that we were going to eat for dinner.

You guys are literally stealing the food from our table because when you take that then there is nothing for us to eat at home and we usually starve. I don't spend $300 to $400 dollars a month on food at that damn store for people to take it from me. I barely have enough money as it it.

I once again am going to bring it up only this time to my store director because this is wrong and if I had time with Lance to really go grocery shopping I would but we never have a day off together.

I am really disappointed in the people that I work with.


Vent #2

I have a nasty head cold for about the last 4 days. And I have been to work for all of them. I have to work 7 days is a row without a day off feeling like this. I have no voice, My nose is running and my ears are so plugged Everyone sounds like they are under water.

I don't want to call in because closers are short handed and that wouldn't be fair to them, so when I ask if I can come in later in the evening rather than work a full 9 hour shift don't bitch at me because I was originally going to call in sick today.

Catch me if I'm wrong but wouldn't it be better for me to come in later and help close than not come in at all?

I already feel sick why do you have to try and make me feel worse?

Last post = Lame

I am having a really bad week for art. NOTHING is coming out right.

The other night I couldn't sleep and I filled an entire sketch book up from 5am- 10am... I finally crashed at 10ish and was woken up by Lance and his friend John at 1... I drank a lot of coffee that day.

It could have been exhaustion. But I do know that I sketched so much in my book and on my tablet that my fingers cramped up and hurt like hell, but I didn't want to stop.

It was ridiculous...
and now I need a new sketchbook.


(ps Applied this morning for a new job at my bank across the street. Hoping I get it.)

I'm hurting.

I am very frustrated right now. Tonight I just cried my eyes out on my boyfriends shoulder.
I have so many dreams and goals and when I get so exited because something is going right and it looks like things are finally looking up for me...

The big kid pushes me down and steals my lunch money.

I don't understand. It's easy to say what I have to do but honestly I am always two pillows 2 short of the perfect hide out.

I feel helpless... like a little kid. Staring at what I want in the candy store but not enough penny's to buy it.

How come everything that I put my all into just gets thrown back in my face?
For once I would like to be rewarded for my efforts and hard work.

Or maybe I really am just not good enough.

How long?

How long is it going to take before our gas prices reach the same $ as Europe?
It keeps going up and supposedly expected, going to be $5 by July.

I am really questioning weather or not I can even afford it on my paycheck now that they cut my hours.

I have learned...

To be nice to everyone you meet.

Because just like you everyone struggles,
and everyone is fighting their own share of battles.

Everyone has felt pain and heartache,
and everyone has lost someone that held a special place in their heart.

Everyone has cried,
and at some point has felt alone.

Everyone has been let down,
by people who were never supposed to.

Be nice to everyone that you meet,
Because they are all walking in your shoes.

I don't think I have ever cried so much...

While watching tv.

A show caught my eye while I was cleaning the kitchen. And the plain reality about how many animals get put down in shelters everyday is just heart breaking.

It's not their fault that people refuse to get their animals fixed, it's not their fault that people purchase cats and dogs and realize that they signed up for a responsibility close to that of a kid.
Then when they realize that they can't handle it they dump it off in a shelter at their convenience where they wait for a second chance, or in most cases wait to be put down.

Breaks my heart

Breaks my heart even more when some of those dogs come from puppy mills. Bred and inbred over in over again with no real human contact and left in cages isolated their whole lives only to end up op doggy death row.

Makes me cry, because I think people are sick. And people who know this and still buy from puppy mills are no better. Your supporting the abuse.

In conclusion I think that it is wrong to purchase animals on a whim if you don't plan to take responsibility for it.

If you can't take of an animal for legit reasons find it a good home yourself!
And please if your not a real breeder, get your damn animals fixed.

thanks

The path to beauty is painful

I went jogging the other day for just a half hour and I woke up this morning and felt like I couldn't move! ... and I thought I felt bad right after the jog... there was no way I was getting up with morning for jog number two.
Even though I am sore the jog itself felt really good.
I neeed to get into shape.

I am going to try again tomorrow.

And this is for Rachel

POST ANOTHER DAMN BLOG!!!

Because I miss reading what you have to say!

How sad

I met a friend way back in high school.
We went on a trip to Mexico, and became good friends instantaneously.

It's sad to think that we cannot talk to each other anymore. That we can't just call the other one up and laugh like we used to.

Phone calls turned into letting the voice mail get it because I was tired of hearing the same problems and you would never take my advice or even let me speak.
I found out that you lied to me and you hurt me... turned me away from people that meant the world to me.

I tried to stay away from you because you turned into someone else and not the friend you used to be. Then when I got the courage to try and confront you about it... you stopped calling, texting or trying to make any contact. You ignored me and blocked me.

Because I caught you in your lies? Why did you have to lie to me about something so stupid?
Why did you have to lie to me about things that greatly altered my life in a way that you cannot possibly fathom?

You like to make blogs about me not being a true friend all the time well now it's my turn. I hope you are reading this and get over yourself enough to call me and tell me what's going on? This is the only way I know how to contact you.

Unlike you I don't have a " Light switch" to just turn my friendships on and off, because that is not a real friend.

So I hope your reading this.
Just stop the lies and call me.



: I am not really sure how many people actually read my blog but this one is a bit personal to someone else and they know who they are :

Issues

So I am having a few issues with my laptop but hopefully I got all the bugs fixed.

I am really fighting myself not to break down and buy the Macbook Pro, even though eventually I know I am going to have to get a mac.

But after having to flush my laptop and almost start over it feels like I have a new computer again...only it's old. lol

My little old man is still kickin ( :

But on top of all that I love my laptop. It was a birthday gift from Lance and it's a very good comp just out dated. I figure if I take good care of it still it will last me a good deal longer.

I have been looking up job postings for graphic design workers needed and I am surprised at how many job in that field are in the Portland area. I always get frustrated when people tell me that I will HAVE to move for my job simply because there is no work in the field around here.

And I have to say that after a confidence booster I am hugely inspired by tashihandmade.com
Not only is this person have incredible skill but they have experience in designing world wide. It's very inspiring.

I want to continue working at what I want to do and I am going to stop letting other people discouraging me.

God has made me capable of doing what I want to do.

Expansion

Just watched an interview with blizzard for the expansion, Wrath of the Litch King. And I think I am going to enter the art contest for Arthas and Frostmourne. Doubt I will win because there is some major talent entering and my skills are really not up to par yet...

Yes I play WoW. Not to many girls do I find. I am not a hard core player... I mean it did take me 2 years to get to 70... But my boyfriend is a big WoW Freak and got me to play, and it took me a long time to get into it. But now that I got it down I really like it, good game, always changing to make it worth paying $15 a month for it. Unfortunately some people take it WAY to seriously and become addicted to the game itself.... come on, It's a game people!

Anyways, that's all for now.

Here's something

... Important to say. I hate, hate, HATE, the kind of people to trash talk or dislike something just because it's popular

Like people who

Hate myspace because everyone else has one.

Refuse to by and ipod because Apple is too popular.

Wont drink at starbucks because thats where everyone gets their coffee so lets go to a different place even though theirs tastes like crap.

Mustangs just because who doesn't have one on the road?

Hair cuts, Clothes, drinks, tv shows, you name it.

You should only dislike something because it doesn't do it for YOU, not because the rest of the world likes it.
Now I am all about supporting the underdogs but hating something for the sake of being different is really pathetic.

Who cares if everyone else has one. Have one because you want one. Or go with what ever the heck you want.

As far as I am concerned your just as bad as people who flock to what everyone else has for the sake of popularity, because on you quest to be different you yourself have let other peoples opinions tell you what to do and buy.

And I think your lame

Goodbye hours

So my hours at work have drastically been chopped in half. About this time of year that happens but we have so many ( Lazy) New hires that I still don't see me getting all of my hours back.

So I am ONCE again seriously looking for a new job. I think I have been saying that for way over a year now but I mean it this time! I swear.... Maybe...

I am so poor right now that I haven't gone out and done ANYTHING. Someone needs to come over and save me from my boredom before I start ripping out hair!!!

I can olny play so much Mario Kart Wii by myself for so long.

Update, update, update

I bought a printer today from work for 30 bucks because it was the last one...amazing! I only had to print out one thing but now that I have a printer I just want to print.... I want to print something, Anything!

I entered an art contest but I wont know if I won or lost until the 5th... I can kind of see that I am not a winner though because there was some pretty amazing entries and mine looks as though it would have come out better if I did it in crayon... maybe.

And the only think that I have accomplished on my 8 days off was finally hitting lvl 70. Other that that I have done jack diddly, and it has been amazing.

I really needed a vaca even though my hours have been chopped in half. People at work are driving me insane. It just amazes me what some of the new hires get away with and they are still working there. And it really makes the rest of us ( or at least me) feel used because we are working hard for our money and getting paid just as much as the people who are standing around talking and flipping there cell phone out on the floor and texting in front of the customers.
Or asking for help and then walking away when we are doing all of their work for them.

It's very annoying. Especially when they are walking away to flirt with your boyfriend. I just want to ask, "are you for real?"

...

Yeah when I get where I'm going,
there'll be only happy tears.
I will shed the sins and struggles,
I have carried all these years.
And I'll leave my heart wide open,
I will love and have no fear.
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
Don't cry for me down here....

But when I get where I'm going,
and I see my Maker's face.
I'll stand forever in the light,
of His amazing grace.

Weather you believed it or not you were loved by the people that mattered most and they miss you more than you could probably ever have comprehended before you took your life.

I just pray your with God now.
Rest in peace.

That feeling

When your eyes water and your heart jumps to your throat,
because you see the joy in a person after something great finally happened for them, and to someone who really deserved it.

I feel that way because I am trying to fight back tears because seeing that makes me so happy.

Finally

I have finished the last of the HP books. And I have to say that I am satisfied with how the story flowed and ended all together.
Although the Epilogue kind of made it seem that there is the possibility of a continuation.
Which would be fine by me.

on another note I'm getting pretty flustered at people calling me thinking that I am someone else. IF you listen to my voice message you will hear me say that this is NATASHA. Not Dory not Don... N A T A S H A.

I am constantly getting phone calls from the machine voice bill collectors and it's really annoying because I can't tell them that they have the wrong number! All I can do is hang up.

I am therefore going to switchover to Verizon because of the many problems I have having with my current service and my worthless RAZR. I'm going to try to get the new enV2 which looks pretty nice ( in my opinion and is supposedly not so expensive) when it comes out, which could be as late as the end of May.

So I will be getting a new phone number with it.
that is all...

I don't want to be a lifer!!!

The more and more that I think about going to school the more I get exited about it.
But the more I think about what I want to go to school for makes me scared of it.

I honestly sometimes feel like I don't have what it takes to get a good job in that field.
Everyone tells me how hard it is... it's really discouraging.
One of my parents friends told me that I shouldn't even bother going back to school at all and it's too late for me. And that I should just try to jump on the Fred Meyer Train, I don't want to be a Fred Meyer lifer though... And what an awful thing to tell me! I am not even 21 yet! how is it too late for me to go back to school?
My opinion is that it's never too late.
And I need to learn not to listen to things like that and get discouraged.


Maybe thats why I procrastinate.
I don't think that I have what it takes but for the sake of not listening to my own advice...
I'll never know if I don't try.

Right?

Step aside T-mobile I'm going to Verizon

Wow Last night I was so dizzy and tired I actually passed out on my kitchen floor.
And of course lance had to wake me up by jabbing me with his dirty foot.

But I feel a lot better now.

And I am still loving FFCC

Final Fantasy

I am in love with the new Final Fantasy for the PSP. Crisis Core.
Freaking amazing... So what if Adam and Morgan gave it an unsatisfying review. Doesn't mean that I agree with them.

But maybe it's because I have always been a huge FF7 fan.

And on another note,
I have dyed my hair Red, Black and many shades of brunette but now I'm giving blond a shot.

Stephanie Don't hate me...

And on a third note...
I think I may be the only person I know that updates my blog persistently, and that kind of makes me sad.
Because I love reading what you all have to say.

And what ever happened to emials?
Does anyone ever email anymore? I love emails.

And I never get any : (

We talked

I was afraid that he wouldn't listen to what I had to say.
I thought that I was going to have to just call it quits
But I let it out and I told him how I feel.

Some serious changes need to happen with or with out him.
And I need an answer.
I'm not going to wait forever.
But it went a little better than I thought it would
I hope I am taken seriously.

Because I am not going to wait forever.

I want to make a post

But I am not really sure what it is that I want to say.
I am very irritated right now
Flustered, confused, hurt.

It's like my feelings split into two and are fighting it out for my emotions. I can't really tell what I want and what is better for me. I have no backbone when it comes to my own well being!!!

I like change but I am terrified of it.
I like being happy even though I know that happiness fades, but weather or not I put my self in the position to be happy more often is my choice.

I don't want to make the wrong choice because my mind is saying let go but my heart is saying don't you dare...

I am in love

With Tegaki E ... so much fun if you like to doodle.. I think I may actually invest in a tablet though. I have been wanting one anyways.

http://www.unowen.net/tegaki/index.php

It's really irritating

When people seem to brag openly about their problems to others.

Personally somethings are meant to be shared with people you can trust. If it's something that hurts that much why would you just openly announce it to people you hardly know? or tell people that you cut yourself for it.
We are not feeling sorry for you because you look like your just trying to get attention from people.

And what really makes me mad is that there are people out there who have been through a lot and they live with those memories and then someone comes along and starts talking about their issues like they have it worse in the world. They have no idea how that makes people feel.

So keep your problems to yourselves and when you do need to share your problems share it with people you know and care about you.

And remember that people may seem to have everything going for them but everyone has their share of issues weather they choose to share it with you or not.

Be considerate.

So I am a huge animal lover...

I created a post on myspace that I want people to see this. It's horrifying and it's hard to fight back tears while watching the video.

I am not going to stream the video on here because I never want to see it again or even finish watching it.

But here is the link to the website

http://www.furisdead.com/feat/ChineseFurFarms/

If you purchase real animal fur you make me sick. You need to know what you are supporting.

My thoughts on abortion

So here is the deal.
Me and a friend were talking about abortion and I really didn't know what to say. She was very against the idea of killing an unborn child that was created against it's own will.

So here is what I think, after a lot of thought I agree that it is not fair that the child will not be born into the world after being created. It never asked for you two to get it on but instead it has to suffer for it. And when I say suffer I mean it. Just because it doesn't cry out in pain does not mean that there is not proof that the forming baby will show it is in pain. I will not go over it because it is painful to think about.

But if you think about it, there is no way that you can get rid of it abortion. If you think about the consequences, there are already way to many people out there that are not fit to be parents. Kids grow up taking care of themselves. That adds crime and mentally unstable people running around. Now I am not saying that if you kid is a black sheep that your a bad parent because you never know how they are going to come out. But neglect and abuse will bring a whole new world of problems. Then on top of that think about the increase of children that will be left for adoption? There is already a large number of children out there that are looking for a family to love them.

So therefore I think sadly abortion is a way of this world because people are careless and they do not think of the consequences.

I'm not I swear!

It seems like the only time that I ever post something is when I am really angry or upset about something.

This is my way of letting off some steam.

So believe me when I say that I am not an angry person I swear!

So to start off, I am really disappointed with the way things went tonight at work. I think I am about due for vacation because this stress cannot be good for me.

The Last 4 days at work I have had a massive headache that no pill can seem to cure, and it just wont go away until I fall asleep. That is If I can even fall asleep because the pain just irritates me.

I have had a lot on my mind about things that I don't really want to post but I feel like I want to talk to someone else about it. Like over coffee or something.

I'm kind of exited for Valentines though. I have close to no money right now because I am trying to pay off a huge mistake that branched into several. But I am planing something very special for him, so I cannot wait.
This month is also our two years together on the 23.
2 years of moments thinking it would last through what it did, but here we are now.

I am also thinking that I need to start calling my friends since they will not call me. Because I miss them all terribly.

Thats all,
Goodnight

I am gonna say no

Yesterday night on the news I was watching something pretty disturbing.

They say that it is as small as a grain of rice and it's a microchip that they inject into you body with all of you personal information.
That doesn't sit right with me. Then on top of that me and a guy I work with were discussing it and he said he would send me a link for a video that had more information on the topic.

the Video mentioned that in the future the chips may become mandatory...

After watching that, I now know that I REALLY do not like it.

On top of that it said that they want to merge the America with Canada and Mexico making us one whole and our currency would change and it will go by another name.

The whole idea of that kind of scares me. It sounds like a disaster waiting to just explode.

And having a microchip floating around in my body makes me feel exposed. Uncomfortable and personally I think big brother has enough control as it is. But that is just my personal opinion.

I am hoping that all of this is just one big rumor. Although I saw the Chips on TV myself so the rest of the information I received almost sounds believable.

you can watch it for yourself if you would like.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vuBo4E77ZXo&feature=related

I miss you

I really miss my friends

I miss Rachel
I miss Olivia
I miss Alyssa and Stephanie
I miss Mai
and I miss Erica
I miss Brandon and Ryan
I miss Malcolm
And so many other people that I considered my friends and some that I still do. I wont take forever putting all their names down.

I think back and I remember all those fake friends and the friends that I loved to hang out with, and the friends that were there for me.

And I really miss them all
I miss all of you and I wish that things could be the way they used to be

I could walk two houses down and hang out
Spend Lunch time in the hall
Having sleep overs and talking about boys
Trying to catch a movie by bus and missing the first 10 minuets.

When we didn't have class together we would write each other note instead of writing our papers.

Goofing off all day and night for a week and doing and entire class project the morning before it's due.
Talking about love like we knew what we were saying.
Coming over and playing mario kart.
Going for walks and talking about life.

Saying that we will always be friends....

I miss you all...

I read on Post Secret

Someone said that they would probably like religion a lot more if it wasn't filled with so much propaganda.

And I have to say that I agree with that person.

I hate how loving God has to feel like people are selling something...
When we should be giving it away.

I am such an angry person

I guess I just can't decide what mood I am going for.

Here lately I have just been harsh and brutally honest with people.

Before sadly I was the kind of person that liked to talk shit when behind their back like a typical girl but now things just pour right out of my mouth right to their face and I just don't care. Truth hurts am I right?

It's not like I am saying things out of line and for no reason but I think it has more to do with just being fed up with people trying to walk all over me and lie to my face. And it's not like I say it out of anger either.

I don't really care if people have a problem with it because before I felt guilty for just spilling my guts but later I realized that I don't even like these people. They are really not the kind of people I want to be around. I just don't care as much as I used to about their opinions and I am not trying to make any of them my friends.

So basically if your going to say something that I don't like or is offensive in anyway then I am going to cram it right back in your face.

I just hate how hurtful, dishonest and just plain out stupid people have become.
I used to be a huge people person but now I really just don't like you and all I can say is don't give me a reason to hate you.

and I am so much happier

Although I think I may have a problem because more and more I feel like I am turning cold.

I don't want to be stepped on but I don't want to be heartless either.

I don't want friends like you.

Who call me up only when they need something
Or when they want information about whats going on with someone else
Or when they need a sounding board for when they are upset.

I will always be there when you need me for those of you that this applys to

But when the only time that you ever call me up is to trash another persons name or to use me as you personal shrink then no thank you.

When I tried to call you up you are too busy for me to just talk or hang out and it turns into you talking and me listening. Am I not entitled to a conversation?

I want you guys to feel like you can talk to me when you REALLY have a problem but I have felt ussed for quite a while now and I really hate defending someone who has lied to me.
and I am talking about more than one of you.

And it kind of hurts when you all come to me with petty problems and complain when you don't realize that I have problems too. And sometimes It's all a little more than I can handle.

Do I sound selfish? I don't care because I am tired of lies and being used used.

I Will no longer answer the phone for you people when you call me all the time.

Because I don't want friends like you.And I am going to do myself a favor and make sure that I never act like you.

see ya later...

The greatest irony of love

The closest description of love that I have ever read. And you will probably never find closer other than what is read in the Bible...

I did not write this and I am not sure who did but it is beautiful and very true.

The greatest irony of love:

Loving the right person at the wrong time,
Having the wrong person when the time is right,
And finding out you love someone right after
That person walks out of your life.

And sometimes,
you think you're already over a person,
Until you see them smile at you again,
You'll suddenly realize that you're really not.

For some, they think that letting go
is one way Of expressing how much you love the person,
By sacrificing your happiness for theirs,
Without realizing that the other person's
Doing the same thing for them.

Most relationships tend to fail
Not because of the absence of love;
Love is always present,
It's just that one is being loved too much
And the other was being loved too little.

We always fall in love
with the person we think we love,
Only to discover that what we loved about them fades.
Bad experiences are always remembered,
But it's the wonderful memories that are captured
To remind us that there are brighter days ahead
And that happiness exists.

You need to learn to let go
when you're hurting too much,
Realize that sometimes love just isn't enough
And accept the fact that things aren't always gonna be the same.

There is someone out there who will love you more.
It's all the thought you put into your decisions
That impairs your judgement
When your heart already knows what you need to do.
Listen to your heart.

Even though it's on the left side, it's always right.

Hello 2008

2007 was not a good year for me.

2008 I hope to accomplish more...
My licence
Getting into shape
Getting a new job
Going to school

I want to start making something with my life.

I Remember

Ew... I went over my last post and yuck... I could not spell and my grammar was disgusting.

The other day I was thinking of a conversation between me and an old friend of mine back when we had complicated relationship issues.

I remember telling him all the time that I hated how he talked about slitting his wrists and suicide. I am not sure if he really meant it but I couldn't help trying to explain to him how badly it felt hearing those things from someone that you really care about. It's heart wrenching.

Then once I can't remember what brought it on but it was a bad day. And I made a comment to him about just wanting to die (I didn't mean it). I remember silence and then him telling me that he then understood how I felt when he did that to me.

The same thing happened the other day only this time it didn't involve me,
but someone I am very in love with had to experience hearing it, and the person he heard it from tore him apart.

It is so hurtful hearing things like that from people we love like family, relationships and close friends. People don't understand. They say that no one will miss me,

But they are so wrong...

Heartache

Something is going on right now and I am not sure what it is.

I am not sure if it is just me being paranoid, or stressed out about money and not ever having enough of it.

Here lately I have been thinking too much. Thats my problem, I overthink everything. To a point where I worry and I start making up things that have the potential to happen but it never does. Things that affect my relationship, my future, my job.

I think that thinking is a good thing obviously. But I think about the wrong things.

I think I amhaving a problem with Lance. Not that hes doing anything, but al of my trust issues are resurfacing. If I can't find myself to trust him than that could be a serious issue. I am not sure why I feel this way. I have not real reason not to trust him. I think that I sometimes let his teasing gewt to me and I take it too much to heart.

Ack my money! it's gone!

Because my bills ate it :(
Ugh I hate my bank
They keep taking money I need and putting it in my savings...
even when I told them to stop that!
I am really disliking my phone and it's company more and more
I'm switching to sprint. (Rumor phone- looks prettttyy cool)
If I could upgrade my man...
I would make it so he was more sensitive to my money mood swings.
Ugh proplems!
Work drastically cut back my hours in the last 2 weeks.
I am not sure I am going to have a whole lot of money for Christmas gifts this year.
And that really upsets me. :(

The X-Box ring of death

Thats right... our xbox is dead..

Sad.

You know whats really sad. Having 4 days off but no one to spend them with. Yesterday I got to spend some time with my boyfriend but today when he went to work it was frustrating going through the numbers on my phone. All my friends are gone. They all moved away and the ones that are still around are so busy with work and school that it is hard to plan last minuet things or just to call them up or text them.

To ask them if they just want to come over and hang out.

It's sad. I felt really alone.

I spent all day playing Rock Band for the 360 and texting my Boyfriend.

And it's even more frustrating when your worried about someone but you can't get a hold of them to make sure they are alright and they wont call you even after you ask them too several times. Makes me think your dead.

It's been long enough... Just give me a damn call

Please I am so scared for you right now.

Goodbye

So for those of you that don't know this yet (but I am pretty sure I told just about everybody)
I had to get a new number today.

Because a psychopath lady kept calling and texting me every second, harassing me and telling me she was prettier and skinnier that me and I needed to stop talking to her husband... only the way she said it wasn't as polite.

Me and her husband used to be good friends but she doesn't want him talking to girls period so I had to say good bye to a very good friendship. And even though that's all it was for some reason 2 months later she was convinced that I am still talking to him.

And as much as I tried to convince her all I got was your a liar blah blah blah... foul language and talking down to me like I was unworthy to even talk to her. Even though I knew what she was saying is not true it still pissed me off because it's my boyfriends birthday and I didn't want to deal with that today.

So I said goodbye told her to get a life and gave t-mobile a jingle and they changed my number just like that. So for everyone who keeps asking what happened. That's what happened.

Little Wonders, Rob Thomas

I have fallen in love with this song...

Let it go,

let it roll right off your shoulder,

Don't you know, the hardest part is over,

let it in,

Let your clarity define you in the end,

You will only just remember how it feels.

Our lives are made,

in these small hours,

these little wonders,

These twisted turns of fate,

time falls away,

But these small hours,

these small hours,

still remain.

Let it slide,

let your troubles fall behind you,

let it stand,

Till you feel it all around you,

And I don't mind if it's me you need to turn to,

we'll get by,

It's the heart that really matters in the end.

Our lives are made,

in these small hours,

these little wonders,

These twisted turns of fate,

time falls away,

But these small hours,

these small hours,

still remain.

All of my regret,

will wash away somehow,

But I cannot forgive the way I feel right now.

In these small hours,

these little wonders,

these twisted turns of fate,

All these twisted turns of fate,

these twisted turns of fate Yeah,

times falls away,

But these small hours,

these small hours,

still remain.

They still remain,

these little wonders,

all these twisted turns of fate

time falls away,

but these small hours,

these little wonders

Still remain.

My Gramar sucks...

I have recently been looking up art schools and I have stumbled across PNCA. And I realized that I know someone who goes to this school! and she of course seems to love it.

Even though I will not be going to school until next year I am seriously considering finding out more information about them and their program that seems to be something like graphic design only with a fancy name.

Which then sprouted the idea of, if I am so interested in graphic design then maybe I should fool around with it myself and come up with a portfolio of some kind? Test the waters so see if that is something I like to work on. I am also thinking that I want to take the graphic design course at PCC because,

1. It's cheap

2. Hands on

3. It will be a foot in the door

So not only am I tweaking my website but I think I am going to add a different taste to it and turn it into more of a portfolio in progress....

Or something like that.

Damnit

I almost want to cry over that car...

We can't buy it back because it has to go to salvage and then we have the option to pay $200 to bid for it against everyone else who may want it.

Damn it... I don't know whats going to happen now.

And I really wish people who read my blog would leave me comments instead of sending them to my myspace. You know anyone can leave a comment on here.

I love our honda

Wow I cannot believe it.

Yesterday Lance got a call from work, they left a message.
The Police contacted his work to tell him that they found his little red Honda Civic hatchback.
This is nuts because it was stolen from us a year and 2 months ago, and whats even crazier is it was only two blocks away from us. Just parked in a neighborhood.

Lance called the officer back and meet him there. Everything that we had in the car was still there besides the vacuum and a bag of clothes Lance had. His Cd's and CD player was still in the car... our pop cans that we had in there, still there.

Only thing in the Battery is dead and it's muddy and moldy on the inside. It's extremely dirty on the inside but clean on the outside. The Neighbors in the area said they would see it come and go but it had been parked there for quite a while.

They had it towed to a safer spot in case the guy who stole the car noticed we found it.

So basically the little ass stole the car to drive it around? WTF? I seriously hate people.

The car currently belongs to the insurance company so we are going to see Monday if we can buy are baby back.

I love the red color of the Honda but I hate the fact that it's a target not only because its a civic but because it's bright red.

So if we can buy it back we are gonna fix it up, get a new alarm system like the one where the car wont start, and the pager, and we may paint it a less bold color.

That's all.

It really put a strain on our relationship when that happened. Lance didn't mean it when he said it but he basically blamed me for it being stolen, because I wanted to move out here. And I believed him :(

I brought it up recently and he told me that it wasn't my fault he was just upset, because he loved his car. He still does. I just hope he gets it back.

I hate it

I hate fighting. We haven't had an argument in a long time and today just seemed to be the day for fighting. My eyes have those annoying little red specks that I get underneath of them after crying and my eyes are sore... I am kinda glad he is at work because I just want to give him more of a piece of my mind but at the same time... even though I know it's not all of my fault I want to apologize and give him a hug... I could have conducted myself a lot better.

I wish I could understand why fights happen the way that they do...

5am

Ugh It is 5 in the morning and I cannot sleep... I think I just have way too much on my mind. My baggage is full and I need to just sort through all of the junk. I need to throw away all of the worry and depression and leave room for more positive thinking right now.

I need to get some sort rest though because I have a long work day tomorrow but I just can't sleep. For some reason I can't stop thinking about where my life is heading and how unhappy I am right now.

I sound like the kind of person that I hate... mopey and feeling sorry for myself... It's really easy to fall into. One of theses days it would be great to say, "hey I got a good nights sleep last night! a full 7 hours..." one of these days, one of these days...

(I also noticed that I like dots..........................)

I feel like I need some meditation time... or maybe just some good old fashion comfort... like hugs and kisses and I love yous...

Even though I am always surrounded by people... I always feel so alone. I know that God never leaves you. But for some reason I am having a hard time feeling him right now, like I am shutting him out. Like I want him to come in but I keep slamming the door in his face because I don't want him to see the mess I have inside. Even though he can see it already. When he looks down at me I wonder if he is disappointed. I wonder if he is frustrated at my procrastinations, my hiding, my lack of follow through.

Sometimes I wish I could just be a child and let him hold my hand through life. Show me where I am supposed to go and what I am supposed to do, but I guess that would be defeating the purpose of living life right?

I mean if life really did have an easy button, than everything that we have fought for now wouldn't really mean much would it?

Still it's seems so hard to think of all the good things that you have, because no matter how good you have it for some reason the mind can only think of negative. Some people more than others I am sure. It must really be irritating for people who really have nothing to hear and hear people complaining what they are not and what they do not have.

Now I feel stupid, and selfish.

Ugh I can't tell if I am being smart or it I am only puking up a bunch of rejected words that all contradict what I was originally saying. Mostly because I am tired....
I am just going to call it quits and go to bed.

I was hoping that maybe if I got some of this out that I would be able to sleep easier...

But so far I am not sure If I accomplished writing something that actually makes sense. I don't even want to say how many spell checks I had to use... My brain is just mush right now.

I am falling apart

I feel like one of those old puzzles you put together and when you have worked so hard and you have almost got it all figured out... you notice that there are pieces missing.
And finding those pieces are extremely difficult if not impossible.

I think I am beginning to feel depressed. My job sucks... there is no way to lightly put it. I don't get paid enough sometimes to cover my half of the bills, sometimes I feel used and unappreciated. I am paranoid and I am a klutz. I can't drive and every time I go to practice something goes wrong. I am tired all the time and I don't want to do anything, most likely because I am exhausted from work. I can't go to school because of time and money and I don't even know what I am good at to even pursue.

My life is so messed up, and I feel like I have stopped but time just keeps slipping away and before I know it I am gonna be saying... "what the hell did I do with my life?" Same routine everyday... same everything. I have goals and dreams but every time I do to accomplish something nothing works out. Every thing falls apart and I become discouraged.

I shrink back down into my little hole and live day by day and nothing is changing. I am not sure what to do anymore so I can change it.

Am I not meant to be happy? Why can't one thing go right for me so I can say "wow I am making a difference in my life." so I actually want to live it?

I want my life to come together so it will stop falling apart.

The New car smell

I asked Lance the other day if he had seen a change in me. Not physically (even though I started to work out again) but personality wise.

When we run into confrontations I not longer yell of cry or dwell on the hurtful things that were said, because I have realized that when you become close to someone you sometimes say things that you don't mean. And you have to become the bigger person sometimes to say that you were wrong because most of the time horrible words were exchanged from both sides.

My dad always used to tell me that I never got to have a "normal" childhood and I had to grow up faster than most children because of what my past was like. Maybe that's why I am sucha kid now. But I am growing out of it. Yeah I will always love coloring with crayons, playing video games and with my transformers toys, but I can happily say that I see a change in my personality. I feel almost as though I found a new strength that God has been trying to show me all this time. A confidence that I have been needing to find for quite a while now.

And most of all being able to like myself for who I am and not to beat myself up for what I am not. Before I would aways put so much effort in trying to get people to like me. Now it's you better like me or take a hike cuz I'm not changing for you.

And I just wanted to share with with all of you because if you don't always feel this way then you should because you all are wonderful and beautiful just the way you are. Just the way God made you.

much love,
natasha

I have been locked out

Enough of pointless blogs that people only ready the title and first sentence of before skipping it...
Lets open up a bit shall we?

I feel like my mind has bocked of my hands abilities to create. I have all these ideas in my mind and when I go to bring them to life... nope nothing. Or it just doesn't turn out the way I had pictured it.

Ugh this makes me want to just quit all together. I know I am capable of something decent, so why then do I have a pile of paper balls in the corner of my room.

Why wont my art come out they way I want it to?

Try, try and try again? Or take a break for a while?

I just want to show myself more than others what I am capable of.

I am so glad

SOOO... I went to the doctors today. And I was glad to find out that what I have is not cancer. Or at least they don't think so. lol

But that is a good enough answer for me. What I do have will be taken care of and it will only leave a little scar. thats it. I can live with that little scar.

In other news I have a huge headache from more drama that doesnt even concern me but people like to call me up and put me in the middle of it anyways... I am going to bed

Now I am getting scared

I still haven't received my health insurance card form the union and I have been working for them for 2 years now!! that means i have to call the AGAIN and have them resend it. This is pissing me off. I hope that they can just take my medical information if I don't have my card cause I cannot afford to reschedule.

ugh well see though
I can't panic like I always do.

Now I have to get ready for work.
I spent a lot of time redoing my myspace last night so go check it out guys!! leave me some love! (it's mostly switching back to the way I had it with a few tweaks)

What is really going to happen?

I am not going to lie about it... I am scared... I am tired of waiting to find out if what I have is cancer or not. I have to wait until the 27 of this month and I keep getting more and more paranoid.

I can't help thinking that I am only 20... I am to young for this. I am to young to worry about death! There is so much life that I haven't been able to live yet! This cannot be the end for me, not yet.

I wonder what happens after someone dies... I mean what REALLY happens. Since all of the dead people are dead they can't really tell us now can they? I know what I learned in church, but they can only tell you so much. The bible only tells you so much. I get the basic idea, but what about the details. And then the question that keeps coming back to me pops in my mind.

What draws the line between heaven and hell? Is believing and loving Jesus really enough? there are so many questions that no one has the answer to.

Like my grandpa who passed away a few months back would say, the human mind was only made to understand so much... or something like that. But I want to understand, I want to know.

This can't be it for me. God I believe that you have more for me than this. I feel like a story that never got a proper ending and was only written halfway through. With so many ideas dreams that never got to happen.

Maybe I am over reacting, I don't know for sure that I have cancer yet and even if I do, with today's technology I would have a chance to live.

I just have a lot on my plate right now and a lot to think about.

I would like to share this with you

Thanks to my dear friend Olivia I was inspired to buy "Blue like Jazz" an amazing book! I just now started getting into it and reading it and there is a section in the 3rd chapter that really touched me.

A story Donald Miler, the writer was telling about that he had heard. Instead of trying to describe it I am just going show you what it said.

'The folksinger said his friend was preforming a covert operation, freeing hostages from a building in some dark part of the world. His friend's team flew in by helicopter, made their way to the compound and stormed into the room where the hostages had been imprisoned for months. The room, the folksinger said, was filthy and dark. The hostages were curled up in a corner, terrified. When the SEALs entered the room, they heard the gasps of the hostages. They stood at the door and called to the prisoners, telling them they were Americans. The SEALs asked the hostages to follow them , but the hostages wouldn't. They sat there on the floor and hid their eyes in fear. They were not in a healthy mind and didn't believe their rescuers were really American.

The SEALs stood there, not knowing what to do. They couldn't possibly carry everybody out. One of the SEALs, the folksinger's friend, got an idea. He put down his weapon, took off his helmet, and curled up tightly next to the other hostages, getting so close his body was touching some of theirs. He softened the look on his face and put his arms around them. He was trying to show them he was one of them. None of the prison guards would have done this. He stayed there for a little while until some of the hostages started to look at him, finally meeting his eyes. The Navy SEAL whispered that they were Americans and were there to rescue them. Will you follow us? he said. The hero stood to his feet and one of the hostages did the same, then another, until all of them were willing to go. The story ends with all of the hostages safe on an American aircraft carrier.'

And then he goes on about how Jesus didn't just ask us to follow him, He became like one of us. He became and man and showed us that he was God. That he loved us and we could trust him.
He became a man to show us that he is our rescuer and now we have to decide to follow him.
It really said a lot to me and I just wanted to share it with you.

I really think that you should all pick this book up and read it.

I feel horrible

So I think that I totally screwed up a good friendship, over something entirely stupid. And even though he started it and said some mean and nasty things to me, I said some things that I should have not.... And I don't know what to do.

But he is really over reacting saying that I am cut and that he doesn't have friends who bitch him out for no reason and that he did nothing at all... right.

I tried to talk to him about it but he ignores me, deleted me from myspace, and is talking shit. What is up with all of the drama? All of our friends tell me he'll get over it and I have to remain the bigger person.

But It's killing me. I just can't believe that our friendship is that disposable. Maybe we wern't as good of freinds as I thought we were. It is sad, over a year of freindship gone over one stupid argument.

More waiting

Well finally got a new appmt. but it's the 27 of this month...
Oh well. I can take it. I just have to take a deep breath and remember that everything is ok.

The other day Lance put his arms around me while we were talking about it. And I told him that I am to young to die.
It's something that sounds kinda funny, and It made him smile. But at the same time he knew I was being serious and he told me that nothing is for sure yet and even if I do have it that doesn't mean I am going to die.

Then all he could say after that is, "everything will be ok..."

Everything is going to be ok
It's going to be ok...

God wrap me in your love

I think there is something wrong with me and I am not just saying that. Because I have only giving this blog link away to a select few whom I consider my closest friends. I am not sure that any of you actually read these. But I would like you to pay close attention to this particular blog post.

I have been stressing out here lately (more than usual). and it's not over petty stuff. This is NOT yet a fact... but I may have cancer. I will hopefully find out sometime this week or next if this is true or not. I can only hope that it is not the case. I have so much life to live that I don't want to give it up, not yet anyways. I can't help but to ask God, "Is this really it for me?"

I wont lie... I am scared... even if just the thought. I am sorry that I have been hiding this from you all but it's not proven yet and I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I of course will tell people if I find out that I do have it. But only certain people. It's not something that I am looking to announce.

And do explain my craziness... I have been very scatterbrained lately. I forget what the day is, or even what I am doing that moment. I can't seem to keep still. And this hasn't happened to me in a long time but I think I am seeing things. When I was younger I would always see shadows of things in odd places. I used to try and discard it as... someones shadow or an object that caught my eye. But the more that it happened the more I noticed it. It seems to be shadows in random places that catches the corner of my eye. But when I look it doesn't just go away it almost seems like it scatters. like it was really there. Or it seems to sometimes flee and hide in other set shadows... It moves. almost like it's really there. It scares me.

I always wondered why I never got any real psychological problems from the trauma in my past... but I am guessing that it is probably created from that. I seem calm at times to some people apparently but I am really a nervous wreck inside. So I think my mind creates these shadows out of paranoia. It went away for a long time but here lately there has been a lot put on my plate. I think it's comes back with stress or with my anxiety. Like my mind is trying to give me something else to worry about.

I don't know that is just my thought about it.

I need some serious advice and prayer. I can't sleep... I can hardly eat outside of work... and I am wearing down.

And if I find out that I DO have cancer... well. I am not sure how I am going to act.
I just know that my mind is in a fragile state right now. Trying to worry about too much. And I need help. I NEED help someone please.

I know this sounds pathetic. I just need someone to tell me they care about me and everything is going to be OK. To remind me that I am strong and that I am loved. Because right now I feel weak and alone.

Please keep this mostly to yourselves. I imagine that this is probably going to spread but I would like talk about this to other people to be a low minimum if any.

Love you all.