I am getting sick of this

Sick of fake peopleSick of people who promise one thing but do another.I hate being in the middle of things that only turn into drama and even though they dont even involve me It ends up being my fault in the end cause people dragged me in to it..... only because I tried to do the right thing.Leave me out guys I can give advice but I hate your secrets. I hate your secrets that are hurting others that I care about. I hate hiding things from people who need to know but I can't tell them because I will only be betraying the other sides trust. I am torn. Don't you see what you are all doing to me? If you guys call me your friend, can't you call me up because you want to hang out with me?... Because you want to talk to me? Not because you need something from me... or you want to hear something about someone else that I know?I am sick of your drama I have my own thank you. Who gonna listen to me? Or can I trust any of you? Or am I putting you in the same position that You left me?Wheres all my real freinds at? Or do I even have any?

I am in pain right now

I can't take it any more
My heart is broken
It has been crushed and discarded
It has been spit on, burned, and cut
It have been bruised...
And this time its going to take a lot longer to heal.

Sigh and sigh some more

I am so depressed right now... Ugh I am so pathetic? what is feeling sorry for myself going to do for me? but I can't stop dwelling on everything.

Why do I have to be the crab?

It is weird how sometimes horoscopes seem to make sense. I like to read them for the heck of it sometimes but today's was insanely accurate to how I feel
And for those of you who don't know I am a cancer! lol (july 17)
"You may feel as if you are right, but explaining your point of view can be quite a challenge. It's not that you are an ineffective communicator; it's just that your feelings are outside the normal sphere of language. There just aren't any words to describe the subtlety of your emotions. Talking about them can actually alter your mood and change the direction of your day..."
Thats kind of creepy cause thats all me right there.

Marry me Jack?

Saw Pirates 3 the other night. LOVE LOVE LOVED IT! It was a twist and there were a few parts where I had to turn away, but over all I really liked it.

I think there is something wrong with me

I am always so paranoid about everything! Did I lock the door? I run back to check the door like 5 times before I can go anywhere. Did I turn off the stove? I know I did...but did I? I have to check everything or it bugs me for hours! I think of all the negative outcomes and it scares me! I think I need to see a doctor?

Once again

Drama drama drama! I hate it with a passion! I enjoy hating it!
On another note...I am a little jealous of my friends who get along so well with their boyfriends families. I think that I am so frustrated from being pushed out of mine that I hoped Lances family would be big loving and would accept me and love me like they were my own. But it's almost...nonexistent. And I can never seem to talk to my family without arguing over something stupid, or they are still holding things against me that happened years ago like they always did. I sometimes feel... very alone.
All I feel that I have for a family is Lance sometimes.

UHHHGGG!

I think people seriously stress me out, expecially at work. That might be why I am always striving to be alone. People are rude, anoying and stupid!
...My head hurts and I feel light headed. I'm going to bed.

So I haven't seen a doctor in years and the more time goes by, the more I fear going in to see one. I am so scared they are going to find something wrong with me. But it looks like I am going to have to. I had an allergic reaction to mold and my throat swelled up. I had a hard time breathing like there was a cork in my throat after cleaning some up. I had heard from some people that my reactions could get worse and worse and I could suffocate. I need to go to a doctor to get medicine so next time it wont have the potential to really hurt me.

I'm just a little confused right now

My birth mother came into my work the other day to hand me some things to remember my Grandfather...I haven't seen this lady in over 6 years. She hurt and abandoned me as a kid and then decided to come waltzing in to my work acting like everything is ok... I hardly recognized her in fact I didn't at first. Just like when my cousin Nate came in...I haven't seen him in an even longer amount of time, but it didn't bother me like seeing my mother did. Then she started to cry on my shoulder... I just patted her back... how do I comfort someone who has hurt me so much? I don't even know who this woman is anymore. I only saw an old withered lonely woman... And shes only 42. I want to feel sorry for her, but I don't. Am I really that black hearted or am I justified to feel this way after what I went through?
I on't know how I should feel about the whole thing. Maybe if I ignore it it will go away? Haha I wish.

So last thursday

...I went to see Spiderman 3 with some people from work, and mehhh ... It was ok. I love Spiderman, but I think they jumped back and forth between way to many villains in my opinion. Like I think they should have focused on a little more venom and maybe some Harry but the sand man could have been saved for another move (since it cleaned out the box office they are hinting for 3 more sequels) And if I may add what happened to harry really pissed me off because he was my favorite Character in all three of the movies.

R.I.P

Tears were shed for you today but I am glad you are no longer in pain. Rest in peace Grandpa, you were loved very much, even If I wasn't there to show it.

Love, your Grandaughter

Die drama DIE!

I hate drama its so dumb. I hate being blamed for stupid shit that I didn't do. And I hate people who over react and exaggerate the truth. Its so annoying. And I hate not being able to talk to people that I thought I could trust. I'm just gonna shut my mouth and not talk to anybody anymore.
So yea know what?
Whut-Evah

I still love you

My boyfriend the other day came home from work and gave me the sadest look I have ever seen come across his face and he asked me, "Do you still love me?"
Aww ... and then I was like what did you do?
He told me that I have been acting funny.
"Of course I still love you silly!"

I love you sweety

I love my boyfriend, I really do with all my heart and I have come to realize yeah he's not perfect but who really is? I read an article that really made sence to day called "Is it time to dump him?" and the whole article completely defended his actions and explained why guys do the things they do. We should not entirely sweat over the petty stuff. Men and women think differently.
This is for you baby. I love you.

No No No!

I am not pregnate I am just freakin fat apperently ok? that has to be the worst thing you can ask someone! I feel so ugly...

WoW

...yeah my boyfriend has pretty much turned me into a nerd... was that possible to turn me more into a nerd than I already was?
Yeah It's pretty possible.

Whats next for me?

Last night I was whatching a seriously disturbing murder case on tv. And it made me realize that it's not just TV. It really did happen...It readlly does happen all the time. People are killed and people die and most of the time it isn't fair.
It haunted me, the thought about someone close to me being killed or dying. Or even myself dying. Whats waiting for me after death? You can't tell me that it just ends there. It brought tears to my eyes when I thought about being left behind mourning over my loved ones. And call me nerdy but I thought about Lord of the rings when Gandalf expressd how the after life was a whole new adventure.
I thought about it for a long time last night and then I seriously brought my faith into picture. And I asked my boyfriend about how he felt, on what draws the line between heaven and hell. Does my faith and my love for God make the cut? My boyfriend and I haven't been to church in a long time. But we do pray and we do have faith. We both love God and we both believe that he sent his only son to die for us, but is it enough? My boyfriend of course, trying to make me feel better just said, "I think we'll do just fine..." and made a comment on how he felt that you have to do something pretty bad to go to hell. Or just not accepting God for one.
And then I remembered things from the bible that mentioned all you have to do is love God and believe that he sent his only son to die for our sins. Is that all? but then what about those who devote their entire life to God day in and out compared to people like me who are more, yeah I love God I believe in what Jesus did for me. Is there a difference? Is there a point? not that I don't agree with devoting your whole self to God but I'm a little confused. Is it going to be another when I get there I'll find out questions?
There are so many answers, so many ideas, so many beliefs and religions out there that have there own Idea on how to Love God and what happens after you die. Like who ever said that you have to sing to worship? It's all just very confusing to me.
It just makes me realize how short life really is. Its too short to do it tommorow, Its too short to feel sorry for yourself, its too short to be miserable, and life is too short to care that its too short. Life is just too short to not try and be happy.
There is no more tomorrow anymore natasha because tomorrow may not be there...How depressing.

Me and my brain farts

Ohmigosh I feel like a friggin air head! I left for my cashier class and when I got there I seriously could not remember if I locked the door or not. I felt so retarded and I was freaking out thinking about my bass guitar and all of our stuff flying out the door. Expecially since our car got stolen from this place a few monthes back. I texted Lance and then called my appmt. office to have them check on it and I felt horrible. I came home to find that the door was locked but I have no idea if it was me this morning or my appmt. manager who went to check it for me. So I checked the place out to make sure there was no one in here to jump out later. Everything was fine.
And my boyfriend was kind of jerky at first and then he appologized and told me he loved me and to be carefull going home. It's nice to know I'm cared about.
<3

I want a yes or a no!

I'm a little confused right now and my heart kinda feels like its been tied into a knot. I am really tierd of getting advice from people cause even though what they are saying sounds like a really smart idea, I never take their advice. I'm not really sure what I am supposed to do right now. My whole world came to a stop. I wanna let it out but I don't wanna talk about it. Does that make any sence? Maybe I am waiting for the right moment to really express it to the person that I should. But I already have... but maybe not in the way that it hould have been expressed. Why does everything have to be so complecated. Why can't a yes just be a yes and a no a no? How long does it take to give me and answer? Expecially one that will change my whole life around and possibly break my heart.