5am

Ugh It is 5 in the morning and I cannot sleep... I think I just have way too much on my mind. My baggage is full and I need to just sort through all of the junk. I need to throw away all of the worry and depression and leave room for more positive thinking right now.

I need to get some sort rest though because I have a long work day tomorrow but I just can't sleep. For some reason I can't stop thinking about where my life is heading and how unhappy I am right now.

I sound like the kind of person that I hate... mopey and feeling sorry for myself... It's really easy to fall into. One of theses days it would be great to say, "hey I got a good nights sleep last night! a full 7 hours..." one of these days, one of these days...

(I also noticed that I like dots..........................)

I feel like I need some meditation time... or maybe just some good old fashion comfort... like hugs and kisses and I love yous...

Even though I am always surrounded by people... I always feel so alone. I know that God never leaves you. But for some reason I am having a hard time feeling him right now, like I am shutting him out. Like I want him to come in but I keep slamming the door in his face because I don't want him to see the mess I have inside. Even though he can see it already. When he looks down at me I wonder if he is disappointed. I wonder if he is frustrated at my procrastinations, my hiding, my lack of follow through.

Sometimes I wish I could just be a child and let him hold my hand through life. Show me where I am supposed to go and what I am supposed to do, but I guess that would be defeating the purpose of living life right?

I mean if life really did have an easy button, than everything that we have fought for now wouldn't really mean much would it?

Still it's seems so hard to think of all the good things that you have, because no matter how good you have it for some reason the mind can only think of negative. Some people more than others I am sure. It must really be irritating for people who really have nothing to hear and hear people complaining what they are not and what they do not have.

Now I feel stupid, and selfish.

Ugh I can't tell if I am being smart or it I am only puking up a bunch of rejected words that all contradict what I was originally saying. Mostly because I am tired....
I am just going to call it quits and go to bed.

I was hoping that maybe if I got some of this out that I would be able to sleep easier...

But so far I am not sure If I accomplished writing something that actually makes sense. I don't even want to say how many spell checks I had to use... My brain is just mush right now.

I am falling apart

I feel like one of those old puzzles you put together and when you have worked so hard and you have almost got it all figured out... you notice that there are pieces missing.
And finding those pieces are extremely difficult if not impossible.

I think I am beginning to feel depressed. My job sucks... there is no way to lightly put it. I don't get paid enough sometimes to cover my half of the bills, sometimes I feel used and unappreciated. I am paranoid and I am a klutz. I can't drive and every time I go to practice something goes wrong. I am tired all the time and I don't want to do anything, most likely because I am exhausted from work. I can't go to school because of time and money and I don't even know what I am good at to even pursue.

My life is so messed up, and I feel like I have stopped but time just keeps slipping away and before I know it I am gonna be saying... "what the hell did I do with my life?" Same routine everyday... same everything. I have goals and dreams but every time I do to accomplish something nothing works out. Every thing falls apart and I become discouraged.

I shrink back down into my little hole and live day by day and nothing is changing. I am not sure what to do anymore so I can change it.

Am I not meant to be happy? Why can't one thing go right for me so I can say "wow I am making a difference in my life." so I actually want to live it?

I want my life to come together so it will stop falling apart.

The New car smell

I asked Lance the other day if he had seen a change in me. Not physically (even though I started to work out again) but personality wise.

When we run into confrontations I not longer yell of cry or dwell on the hurtful things that were said, because I have realized that when you become close to someone you sometimes say things that you don't mean. And you have to become the bigger person sometimes to say that you were wrong because most of the time horrible words were exchanged from both sides.

My dad always used to tell me that I never got to have a "normal" childhood and I had to grow up faster than most children because of what my past was like. Maybe that's why I am sucha kid now. But I am growing out of it. Yeah I will always love coloring with crayons, playing video games and with my transformers toys, but I can happily say that I see a change in my personality. I feel almost as though I found a new strength that God has been trying to show me all this time. A confidence that I have been needing to find for quite a while now.

And most of all being able to like myself for who I am and not to beat myself up for what I am not. Before I would aways put so much effort in trying to get people to like me. Now it's you better like me or take a hike cuz I'm not changing for you.

And I just wanted to share with with all of you because if you don't always feel this way then you should because you all are wonderful and beautiful just the way you are. Just the way God made you.

much love,
natasha

I have been locked out

Enough of pointless blogs that people only ready the title and first sentence of before skipping it...
Lets open up a bit shall we?

I feel like my mind has bocked of my hands abilities to create. I have all these ideas in my mind and when I go to bring them to life... nope nothing. Or it just doesn't turn out the way I had pictured it.

Ugh this makes me want to just quit all together. I know I am capable of something decent, so why then do I have a pile of paper balls in the corner of my room.

Why wont my art come out they way I want it to?

Try, try and try again? Or take a break for a while?

I just want to show myself more than others what I am capable of.

I am so glad

SOOO... I went to the doctors today. And I was glad to find out that what I have is not cancer. Or at least they don't think so. lol

But that is a good enough answer for me. What I do have will be taken care of and it will only leave a little scar. thats it. I can live with that little scar.

In other news I have a huge headache from more drama that doesnt even concern me but people like to call me up and put me in the middle of it anyways... I am going to bed

Now I am getting scared

I still haven't received my health insurance card form the union and I have been working for them for 2 years now!! that means i have to call the AGAIN and have them resend it. This is pissing me off. I hope that they can just take my medical information if I don't have my card cause I cannot afford to reschedule.

ugh well see though
I can't panic like I always do.

Now I have to get ready for work.
I spent a lot of time redoing my myspace last night so go check it out guys!! leave me some love! (it's mostly switching back to the way I had it with a few tweaks)

What is really going to happen?

I am not going to lie about it... I am scared... I am tired of waiting to find out if what I have is cancer or not. I have to wait until the 27 of this month and I keep getting more and more paranoid.

I can't help thinking that I am only 20... I am to young for this. I am to young to worry about death! There is so much life that I haven't been able to live yet! This cannot be the end for me, not yet.

I wonder what happens after someone dies... I mean what REALLY happens. Since all of the dead people are dead they can't really tell us now can they? I know what I learned in church, but they can only tell you so much. The bible only tells you so much. I get the basic idea, but what about the details. And then the question that keeps coming back to me pops in my mind.

What draws the line between heaven and hell? Is believing and loving Jesus really enough? there are so many questions that no one has the answer to.

Like my grandpa who passed away a few months back would say, the human mind was only made to understand so much... or something like that. But I want to understand, I want to know.

This can't be it for me. God I believe that you have more for me than this. I feel like a story that never got a proper ending and was only written halfway through. With so many ideas dreams that never got to happen.

Maybe I am over reacting, I don't know for sure that I have cancer yet and even if I do, with today's technology I would have a chance to live.

I just have a lot on my plate right now and a lot to think about.

I would like to share this with you

Thanks to my dear friend Olivia I was inspired to buy "Blue like Jazz" an amazing book! I just now started getting into it and reading it and there is a section in the 3rd chapter that really touched me.

A story Donald Miler, the writer was telling about that he had heard. Instead of trying to describe it I am just going show you what it said.

'The folksinger said his friend was preforming a covert operation, freeing hostages from a building in some dark part of the world. His friend's team flew in by helicopter, made their way to the compound and stormed into the room where the hostages had been imprisoned for months. The room, the folksinger said, was filthy and dark. The hostages were curled up in a corner, terrified. When the SEALs entered the room, they heard the gasps of the hostages. They stood at the door and called to the prisoners, telling them they were Americans. The SEALs asked the hostages to follow them , but the hostages wouldn't. They sat there on the floor and hid their eyes in fear. They were not in a healthy mind and didn't believe their rescuers were really American.

The SEALs stood there, not knowing what to do. They couldn't possibly carry everybody out. One of the SEALs, the folksinger's friend, got an idea. He put down his weapon, took off his helmet, and curled up tightly next to the other hostages, getting so close his body was touching some of theirs. He softened the look on his face and put his arms around them. He was trying to show them he was one of them. None of the prison guards would have done this. He stayed there for a little while until some of the hostages started to look at him, finally meeting his eyes. The Navy SEAL whispered that they were Americans and were there to rescue them. Will you follow us? he said. The hero stood to his feet and one of the hostages did the same, then another, until all of them were willing to go. The story ends with all of the hostages safe on an American aircraft carrier.'

And then he goes on about how Jesus didn't just ask us to follow him, He became like one of us. He became and man and showed us that he was God. That he loved us and we could trust him.
He became a man to show us that he is our rescuer and now we have to decide to follow him.
It really said a lot to me and I just wanted to share it with you.

I really think that you should all pick this book up and read it.

I feel horrible

So I think that I totally screwed up a good friendship, over something entirely stupid. And even though he started it and said some mean and nasty things to me, I said some things that I should have not.... And I don't know what to do.

But he is really over reacting saying that I am cut and that he doesn't have friends who bitch him out for no reason and that he did nothing at all... right.

I tried to talk to him about it but he ignores me, deleted me from myspace, and is talking shit. What is up with all of the drama? All of our friends tell me he'll get over it and I have to remain the bigger person.

But It's killing me. I just can't believe that our friendship is that disposable. Maybe we wern't as good of freinds as I thought we were. It is sad, over a year of freindship gone over one stupid argument.

More waiting

Well finally got a new appmt. but it's the 27 of this month...
Oh well. I can take it. I just have to take a deep breath and remember that everything is ok.

The other day Lance put his arms around me while we were talking about it. And I told him that I am to young to die.
It's something that sounds kinda funny, and It made him smile. But at the same time he knew I was being serious and he told me that nothing is for sure yet and even if I do have it that doesn't mean I am going to die.

Then all he could say after that is, "everything will be ok..."

Everything is going to be ok
It's going to be ok...

God wrap me in your love

I think there is something wrong with me and I am not just saying that. Because I have only giving this blog link away to a select few whom I consider my closest friends. I am not sure that any of you actually read these. But I would like you to pay close attention to this particular blog post.

I have been stressing out here lately (more than usual). and it's not over petty stuff. This is NOT yet a fact... but I may have cancer. I will hopefully find out sometime this week or next if this is true or not. I can only hope that it is not the case. I have so much life to live that I don't want to give it up, not yet anyways. I can't help but to ask God, "Is this really it for me?"

I wont lie... I am scared... even if just the thought. I am sorry that I have been hiding this from you all but it's not proven yet and I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I of course will tell people if I find out that I do have it. But only certain people. It's not something that I am looking to announce.

And do explain my craziness... I have been very scatterbrained lately. I forget what the day is, or even what I am doing that moment. I can't seem to keep still. And this hasn't happened to me in a long time but I think I am seeing things. When I was younger I would always see shadows of things in odd places. I used to try and discard it as... someones shadow or an object that caught my eye. But the more that it happened the more I noticed it. It seems to be shadows in random places that catches the corner of my eye. But when I look it doesn't just go away it almost seems like it scatters. like it was really there. Or it seems to sometimes flee and hide in other set shadows... It moves. almost like it's really there. It scares me.

I always wondered why I never got any real psychological problems from the trauma in my past... but I am guessing that it is probably created from that. I seem calm at times to some people apparently but I am really a nervous wreck inside. So I think my mind creates these shadows out of paranoia. It went away for a long time but here lately there has been a lot put on my plate. I think it's comes back with stress or with my anxiety. Like my mind is trying to give me something else to worry about.

I don't know that is just my thought about it.

I need some serious advice and prayer. I can't sleep... I can hardly eat outside of work... and I am wearing down.

And if I find out that I DO have cancer... well. I am not sure how I am going to act.
I just know that my mind is in a fragile state right now. Trying to worry about too much. And I need help. I NEED help someone please.

I know this sounds pathetic. I just need someone to tell me they care about me and everything is going to be OK. To remind me that I am strong and that I am loved. Because right now I feel weak and alone.

Please keep this mostly to yourselves. I imagine that this is probably going to spread but I would like talk about this to other people to be a low minimum if any.

Love you all.

I am supa pissed

So I was scedueld for 3pm-12am guess when I got to leave? 12:40am... and I am pissed about it because it was totally wrong. Lances mom was waiting for us and I felt like I was the only one working, "who cares it's overtime..." I did much much more than my requierd work and I still couldn't leave. Lance had been waiting for me since 11:30 and he was getting pissed cause I couldn't leave and I had to hear all about it on the way home.

We got home at 1 in the morning and his mom was waiting for us by our door. AND me and Lance didn't have anything to eat so I made a quick dinner. We didn't get to go to be until almost 3 am. I had to get up and 7/8 in the morning. And I work up at 10am when the comcast guys came over to fix our cable. I remember waking up just enough to turn off my alarm but some how I was still in bed... So I missed my appointment that was very important... now I have to wait till next thursday.

I couldn't believe that I didn't wake up but I was so exausted for running around everywhere last night...and I have a big bruise on my foot. Not sure how that hapened.

The thing that really made me mad was I told my PIC that I had to go several times that night... I was done with my work at 11:30 and did more than my share of work around the rest of the department. She knew I had to go and after I finished putting everything away that I could get my hands on I saw them all standing there and I asked what else I had to do she said nothing... "well what are we waiting for? Can I leave? I have people waiting on me!"
She told me to chill out.
That pissed me off soo much I can't even express it. I just ran to the time clock and punched out before she could finish laughing at me (cause that pissed me off even more)

When I say that I have to ****ing be somewhere I am not just saying it.

Bitch bitch bitch- thats all I feel like doing right now...

Drama.....BANG!

Ugh I have been really good about keeping drama down for myself and trying to keep it out of my life but that is impossible. So I am more understanding that there will always be drama but there are different kinds of drama. The drama that cannot be prevented and the drama that is caused by people that do it I believe for attention.

And even if I have been keeping my own dramatic self at bay... It only leaves me vulnerable to get sucked into the black hole of everyone else's drama, and I just can't seem to claw my way out of it this time. If it has nothing to do with me, then why is it so important that people get me involved.

No more secreats I don't want to know, I am tierd of freinds betraying freinds. I am tierd of people playing games. Enough is enough. I am not a cupid and I am not your councler. I hate being put in the midle of things without having any say in the matter. If it does not involve me then I do not want to know. Because I hate knowing things and not being able to tell the people that NEED to hear it myself.

No more please I am signing myself out. You guys need to stand up and get rid of me as the middle man and handle things yourselves!

And I have to add that it is pretty hurtful that you only invite me out for lunch or to hang out just so you can talk about it and try to squeeze information out of me. Next time I wont even bother.

They are not who you think they are

I have come to realize that my friends are not who I think they are. In fact I really cannot call them my friends.

I am sorry but even though what you are telling people about me is not really much of a secret and and not even a big deal. It's kind of embaressing that you are telling other people about it. Number one it's not for you to tell people and number 2 it's none of peoples buisness so why are you bringing it up and telling people about it?

It really makes me mad. Why don't you guys talk about yourselves instead of other peoples lives? Instead of my life?

I really just want to move away. I dislike Beaverton and I hate Hillsboro and the people who live in it... I just want to move away because none of my real friends even live around here it seems like, and the few that do I never get to see.

I have decided

So I have pretty much decided that I am in love with Lance. Yeah we fight and our relationship was extreamly rocky for a while there... but we came through in a better relationship than we have ever had before. Most people cannot say that about their relationships.

If he was to ask me to marry him I would pretty much say yes. And I guess that it has something to do with the fact that I feel like we are married already.

I am totally in Love. I thought I knew what that ment before, but now I realized that I had no idea.

I got a hair cut!

See! look how short it is!

Apollo College.

So yesterday I went to my ammpnt. at Apollo College and honestly... I wasn't exited about it. And on the max ride home I realized thats not what I want to be doing for the rest of my life...

I want to do something I love yes. And I love animals but. I can't help feeling like there is something more for me out there.

I'm I really that afraid of the unknown?

Really I don't know what to do with myself. I am frustraited at myself and yet I do nothing about it. I recently went through a huge paranoia phase about death. About being killed before my time. I was having insane nightmeres and I would wake up sweating and forgeting where I was.

I was waking up afraid in the safety of my own bed.

Oh God why do I fear death when I should know perfectly well that you are there to protect me and if I do fall in the hands of death that you would save me and take me away in you arms to your place for me?

Maybe my fear comes from me lacking faith? Oh what am I going to do with my silly self? I really should look into going to church, joining some kind of prayer group or at least opening my Bible and reading what it was ment to teach me.

I have so many plans or at least ideas for my life and things that I want to accomplish, things I want to do, things I want to be that it seems unfair that life is taken so freely anymore.

I mean what gives a man the right to take another mans life?

God I am so confused but even in my doubt and my fear I realize that I have no choice but to live in the time that I have in life now. Instead of using my precious moments to worry about when it will end and dwell on the things that have hurt me.

Life is just too short for that.

Love Natasha

Today was a special day

...Because I went shopping! and I feel good getting some new clothes! but I am not done... ooohh no.

Next friday or at least over the weekend into next week I am

1. getting my hair cut
2. getting my permit renewed
3. getting a second hole in my ear
4. getting a new phone
5. shopping some more

...and I cannot wait!

I love you Stephanie!

...

I told him that I wanted to lose some weight so I could be pretty
... He said I was beautiful