I Remember

Ew... I went over my last post and yuck... I could not spell and my grammar was disgusting.

The other day I was thinking of a conversation between me and an old friend of mine back when we had complicated relationship issues.

I remember telling him all the time that I hated how he talked about slitting his wrists and suicide. I am not sure if he really meant it but I couldn't help trying to explain to him how badly it felt hearing those things from someone that you really care about. It's heart wrenching.

Then once I can't remember what brought it on but it was a bad day. And I made a comment to him about just wanting to die (I didn't mean it). I remember silence and then him telling me that he then understood how I felt when he did that to me.

The same thing happened the other day only this time it didn't involve me,
but someone I am very in love with had to experience hearing it, and the person he heard it from tore him apart.

It is so hurtful hearing things like that from people we love like family, relationships and close friends. People don't understand. They say that no one will miss me,

But they are so wrong...

Heartache

Something is going on right now and I am not sure what it is.

I am not sure if it is just me being paranoid, or stressed out about money and not ever having enough of it.

Here lately I have been thinking too much. Thats my problem, I overthink everything. To a point where I worry and I start making up things that have the potential to happen but it never does. Things that affect my relationship, my future, my job.

I think that thinking is a good thing obviously. But I think about the wrong things.

I think I amhaving a problem with Lance. Not that hes doing anything, but al of my trust issues are resurfacing. If I can't find myself to trust him than that could be a serious issue. I am not sure why I feel this way. I have not real reason not to trust him. I think that I sometimes let his teasing gewt to me and I take it too much to heart.

Ack my money! it's gone!

Because my bills ate it :(
Ugh I hate my bank
They keep taking money I need and putting it in my savings...
even when I told them to stop that!
I am really disliking my phone and it's company more and more
I'm switching to sprint. (Rumor phone- looks prettttyy cool)
If I could upgrade my man...
I would make it so he was more sensitive to my money mood swings.
Ugh proplems!
Work drastically cut back my hours in the last 2 weeks.
I am not sure I am going to have a whole lot of money for Christmas gifts this year.
And that really upsets me. :(

The X-Box ring of death

Thats right... our xbox is dead..

Sad.

You know whats really sad. Having 4 days off but no one to spend them with. Yesterday I got to spend some time with my boyfriend but today when he went to work it was frustrating going through the numbers on my phone. All my friends are gone. They all moved away and the ones that are still around are so busy with work and school that it is hard to plan last minuet things or just to call them up or text them.

To ask them if they just want to come over and hang out.

It's sad. I felt really alone.

I spent all day playing Rock Band for the 360 and texting my Boyfriend.

And it's even more frustrating when your worried about someone but you can't get a hold of them to make sure they are alright and they wont call you even after you ask them too several times. Makes me think your dead.

It's been long enough... Just give me a damn call

Please I am so scared for you right now.

Goodbye

So for those of you that don't know this yet (but I am pretty sure I told just about everybody)
I had to get a new number today.

Because a psychopath lady kept calling and texting me every second, harassing me and telling me she was prettier and skinnier that me and I needed to stop talking to her husband... only the way she said it wasn't as polite.

Me and her husband used to be good friends but she doesn't want him talking to girls period so I had to say good bye to a very good friendship. And even though that's all it was for some reason 2 months later she was convinced that I am still talking to him.

And as much as I tried to convince her all I got was your a liar blah blah blah... foul language and talking down to me like I was unworthy to even talk to her. Even though I knew what she was saying is not true it still pissed me off because it's my boyfriends birthday and I didn't want to deal with that today.

So I said goodbye told her to get a life and gave t-mobile a jingle and they changed my number just like that. So for everyone who keeps asking what happened. That's what happened.

Little Wonders, Rob Thomas

I have fallen in love with this song...

Let it go,

let it roll right off your shoulder,

Don't you know, the hardest part is over,

let it in,

Let your clarity define you in the end,

You will only just remember how it feels.

Our lives are made,

in these small hours,

these little wonders,

These twisted turns of fate,

time falls away,

But these small hours,

these small hours,

still remain.

Let it slide,

let your troubles fall behind you,

let it stand,

Till you feel it all around you,

And I don't mind if it's me you need to turn to,

we'll get by,

It's the heart that really matters in the end.

Our lives are made,

in these small hours,

these little wonders,

These twisted turns of fate,

time falls away,

But these small hours,

these small hours,

still remain.

All of my regret,

will wash away somehow,

But I cannot forgive the way I feel right now.

In these small hours,

these little wonders,

these twisted turns of fate,

All these twisted turns of fate,

these twisted turns of fate Yeah,

times falls away,

But these small hours,

these small hours,

still remain.

They still remain,

these little wonders,

all these twisted turns of fate

time falls away,

but these small hours,

these little wonders

Still remain.

My Gramar sucks...

I have recently been looking up art schools and I have stumbled across PNCA. And I realized that I know someone who goes to this school! and she of course seems to love it.

Even though I will not be going to school until next year I am seriously considering finding out more information about them and their program that seems to be something like graphic design only with a fancy name.

Which then sprouted the idea of, if I am so interested in graphic design then maybe I should fool around with it myself and come up with a portfolio of some kind? Test the waters so see if that is something I like to work on. I am also thinking that I want to take the graphic design course at PCC because,

1. It's cheap

2. Hands on

3. It will be a foot in the door

So not only am I tweaking my website but I think I am going to add a different taste to it and turn it into more of a portfolio in progress....

Or something like that.

Damnit

I almost want to cry over that car...

We can't buy it back because it has to go to salvage and then we have the option to pay $200 to bid for it against everyone else who may want it.

Damn it... I don't know whats going to happen now.

And I really wish people who read my blog would leave me comments instead of sending them to my myspace. You know anyone can leave a comment on here.

I love our honda

Wow I cannot believe it.

Yesterday Lance got a call from work, they left a message.
The Police contacted his work to tell him that they found his little red Honda Civic hatchback.
This is nuts because it was stolen from us a year and 2 months ago, and whats even crazier is it was only two blocks away from us. Just parked in a neighborhood.

Lance called the officer back and meet him there. Everything that we had in the car was still there besides the vacuum and a bag of clothes Lance had. His Cd's and CD player was still in the car... our pop cans that we had in there, still there.

Only thing in the Battery is dead and it's muddy and moldy on the inside. It's extremely dirty on the inside but clean on the outside. The Neighbors in the area said they would see it come and go but it had been parked there for quite a while.

They had it towed to a safer spot in case the guy who stole the car noticed we found it.

So basically the little ass stole the car to drive it around? WTF? I seriously hate people.

The car currently belongs to the insurance company so we are going to see Monday if we can buy are baby back.

I love the red color of the Honda but I hate the fact that it's a target not only because its a civic but because it's bright red.

So if we can buy it back we are gonna fix it up, get a new alarm system like the one where the car wont start, and the pager, and we may paint it a less bold color.

That's all.

It really put a strain on our relationship when that happened. Lance didn't mean it when he said it but he basically blamed me for it being stolen, because I wanted to move out here. And I believed him :(

I brought it up recently and he told me that it wasn't my fault he was just upset, because he loved his car. He still does. I just hope he gets it back.

I hate it

I hate fighting. We haven't had an argument in a long time and today just seemed to be the day for fighting. My eyes have those annoying little red specks that I get underneath of them after crying and my eyes are sore... I am kinda glad he is at work because I just want to give him more of a piece of my mind but at the same time... even though I know it's not all of my fault I want to apologize and give him a hug... I could have conducted myself a lot better.

I wish I could understand why fights happen the way that they do...

5am

Ugh It is 5 in the morning and I cannot sleep... I think I just have way too much on my mind. My baggage is full and I need to just sort through all of the junk. I need to throw away all of the worry and depression and leave room for more positive thinking right now.

I need to get some sort rest though because I have a long work day tomorrow but I just can't sleep. For some reason I can't stop thinking about where my life is heading and how unhappy I am right now.

I sound like the kind of person that I hate... mopey and feeling sorry for myself... It's really easy to fall into. One of theses days it would be great to say, "hey I got a good nights sleep last night! a full 7 hours..." one of these days, one of these days...

(I also noticed that I like dots..........................)

I feel like I need some meditation time... or maybe just some good old fashion comfort... like hugs and kisses and I love yous...

Even though I am always surrounded by people... I always feel so alone. I know that God never leaves you. But for some reason I am having a hard time feeling him right now, like I am shutting him out. Like I want him to come in but I keep slamming the door in his face because I don't want him to see the mess I have inside. Even though he can see it already. When he looks down at me I wonder if he is disappointed. I wonder if he is frustrated at my procrastinations, my hiding, my lack of follow through.

Sometimes I wish I could just be a child and let him hold my hand through life. Show me where I am supposed to go and what I am supposed to do, but I guess that would be defeating the purpose of living life right?

I mean if life really did have an easy button, than everything that we have fought for now wouldn't really mean much would it?

Still it's seems so hard to think of all the good things that you have, because no matter how good you have it for some reason the mind can only think of negative. Some people more than others I am sure. It must really be irritating for people who really have nothing to hear and hear people complaining what they are not and what they do not have.

Now I feel stupid, and selfish.

Ugh I can't tell if I am being smart or it I am only puking up a bunch of rejected words that all contradict what I was originally saying. Mostly because I am tired....
I am just going to call it quits and go to bed.

I was hoping that maybe if I got some of this out that I would be able to sleep easier...

But so far I am not sure If I accomplished writing something that actually makes sense. I don't even want to say how many spell checks I had to use... My brain is just mush right now.

I am falling apart

I feel like one of those old puzzles you put together and when you have worked so hard and you have almost got it all figured out... you notice that there are pieces missing.
And finding those pieces are extremely difficult if not impossible.

I think I am beginning to feel depressed. My job sucks... there is no way to lightly put it. I don't get paid enough sometimes to cover my half of the bills, sometimes I feel used and unappreciated. I am paranoid and I am a klutz. I can't drive and every time I go to practice something goes wrong. I am tired all the time and I don't want to do anything, most likely because I am exhausted from work. I can't go to school because of time and money and I don't even know what I am good at to even pursue.

My life is so messed up, and I feel like I have stopped but time just keeps slipping away and before I know it I am gonna be saying... "what the hell did I do with my life?" Same routine everyday... same everything. I have goals and dreams but every time I do to accomplish something nothing works out. Every thing falls apart and I become discouraged.

I shrink back down into my little hole and live day by day and nothing is changing. I am not sure what to do anymore so I can change it.

Am I not meant to be happy? Why can't one thing go right for me so I can say "wow I am making a difference in my life." so I actually want to live it?

I want my life to come together so it will stop falling apart.

The New car smell

I asked Lance the other day if he had seen a change in me. Not physically (even though I started to work out again) but personality wise.

When we run into confrontations I not longer yell of cry or dwell on the hurtful things that were said, because I have realized that when you become close to someone you sometimes say things that you don't mean. And you have to become the bigger person sometimes to say that you were wrong because most of the time horrible words were exchanged from both sides.

My dad always used to tell me that I never got to have a "normal" childhood and I had to grow up faster than most children because of what my past was like. Maybe that's why I am sucha kid now. But I am growing out of it. Yeah I will always love coloring with crayons, playing video games and with my transformers toys, but I can happily say that I see a change in my personality. I feel almost as though I found a new strength that God has been trying to show me all this time. A confidence that I have been needing to find for quite a while now.

And most of all being able to like myself for who I am and not to beat myself up for what I am not. Before I would aways put so much effort in trying to get people to like me. Now it's you better like me or take a hike cuz I'm not changing for you.

And I just wanted to share with with all of you because if you don't always feel this way then you should because you all are wonderful and beautiful just the way you are. Just the way God made you.

much love,
natasha

I have been locked out

Enough of pointless blogs that people only ready the title and first sentence of before skipping it...
Lets open up a bit shall we?

I feel like my mind has bocked of my hands abilities to create. I have all these ideas in my mind and when I go to bring them to life... nope nothing. Or it just doesn't turn out the way I had pictured it.

Ugh this makes me want to just quit all together. I know I am capable of something decent, so why then do I have a pile of paper balls in the corner of my room.

Why wont my art come out they way I want it to?

Try, try and try again? Or take a break for a while?

I just want to show myself more than others what I am capable of.

I am so glad

SOOO... I went to the doctors today. And I was glad to find out that what I have is not cancer. Or at least they don't think so. lol

But that is a good enough answer for me. What I do have will be taken care of and it will only leave a little scar. thats it. I can live with that little scar.

In other news I have a huge headache from more drama that doesnt even concern me but people like to call me up and put me in the middle of it anyways... I am going to bed

Now I am getting scared

I still haven't received my health insurance card form the union and I have been working for them for 2 years now!! that means i have to call the AGAIN and have them resend it. This is pissing me off. I hope that they can just take my medical information if I don't have my card cause I cannot afford to reschedule.

ugh well see though
I can't panic like I always do.

Now I have to get ready for work.
I spent a lot of time redoing my myspace last night so go check it out guys!! leave me some love! (it's mostly switching back to the way I had it with a few tweaks)

What is really going to happen?

I am not going to lie about it... I am scared... I am tired of waiting to find out if what I have is cancer or not. I have to wait until the 27 of this month and I keep getting more and more paranoid.

I can't help thinking that I am only 20... I am to young for this. I am to young to worry about death! There is so much life that I haven't been able to live yet! This cannot be the end for me, not yet.

I wonder what happens after someone dies... I mean what REALLY happens. Since all of the dead people are dead they can't really tell us now can they? I know what I learned in church, but they can only tell you so much. The bible only tells you so much. I get the basic idea, but what about the details. And then the question that keeps coming back to me pops in my mind.

What draws the line between heaven and hell? Is believing and loving Jesus really enough? there are so many questions that no one has the answer to.

Like my grandpa who passed away a few months back would say, the human mind was only made to understand so much... or something like that. But I want to understand, I want to know.

This can't be it for me. God I believe that you have more for me than this. I feel like a story that never got a proper ending and was only written halfway through. With so many ideas dreams that never got to happen.

Maybe I am over reacting, I don't know for sure that I have cancer yet and even if I do, with today's technology I would have a chance to live.

I just have a lot on my plate right now and a lot to think about.

I would like to share this with you

Thanks to my dear friend Olivia I was inspired to buy "Blue like Jazz" an amazing book! I just now started getting into it and reading it and there is a section in the 3rd chapter that really touched me.

A story Donald Miler, the writer was telling about that he had heard. Instead of trying to describe it I am just going show you what it said.

'The folksinger said his friend was preforming a covert operation, freeing hostages from a building in some dark part of the world. His friend's team flew in by helicopter, made their way to the compound and stormed into the room where the hostages had been imprisoned for months. The room, the folksinger said, was filthy and dark. The hostages were curled up in a corner, terrified. When the SEALs entered the room, they heard the gasps of the hostages. They stood at the door and called to the prisoners, telling them they were Americans. The SEALs asked the hostages to follow them , but the hostages wouldn't. They sat there on the floor and hid their eyes in fear. They were not in a healthy mind and didn't believe their rescuers were really American.

The SEALs stood there, not knowing what to do. They couldn't possibly carry everybody out. One of the SEALs, the folksinger's friend, got an idea. He put down his weapon, took off his helmet, and curled up tightly next to the other hostages, getting so close his body was touching some of theirs. He softened the look on his face and put his arms around them. He was trying to show them he was one of them. None of the prison guards would have done this. He stayed there for a little while until some of the hostages started to look at him, finally meeting his eyes. The Navy SEAL whispered that they were Americans and were there to rescue them. Will you follow us? he said. The hero stood to his feet and one of the hostages did the same, then another, until all of them were willing to go. The story ends with all of the hostages safe on an American aircraft carrier.'

And then he goes on about how Jesus didn't just ask us to follow him, He became like one of us. He became and man and showed us that he was God. That he loved us and we could trust him.
He became a man to show us that he is our rescuer and now we have to decide to follow him.
It really said a lot to me and I just wanted to share it with you.

I really think that you should all pick this book up and read it.

I feel horrible

So I think that I totally screwed up a good friendship, over something entirely stupid. And even though he started it and said some mean and nasty things to me, I said some things that I should have not.... And I don't know what to do.

But he is really over reacting saying that I am cut and that he doesn't have friends who bitch him out for no reason and that he did nothing at all... right.

I tried to talk to him about it but he ignores me, deleted me from myspace, and is talking shit. What is up with all of the drama? All of our friends tell me he'll get over it and I have to remain the bigger person.

But It's killing me. I just can't believe that our friendship is that disposable. Maybe we wern't as good of freinds as I thought we were. It is sad, over a year of freindship gone over one stupid argument.