Ouch

So due to recent events I have been reading my heart out lately (to keep my mind occupied) and I recently bought, "the shack" since just about half my family has read it. So far I am to the 5th chapter and I already want to cry, especially since it's so close to home.

It takes place in Oregon, based on true somewhat recent events. One devastating, situation that one family is put through, helps them, one man in particular, find their faith.

I would imagine that this book would be even more powerful to someone with children, especially little girls.

I try to imagine myself in that sort of pain and realize that it is far more deep than the pain I feel now. I hope that I will never have to experience that suffering.

Rest in peace love.

It's true what they say..

That you never really miss someone until they are gone... I just hope that I am not the only one feeling that way in this situation.

I am giving him his space because this is what he wanted and for a while there It was what I wanted as well. Now I am not so sure.

I started taking natural sleeping pills to help me sleep at night and they really work. I find myself falling asleep and waking up anywhere from 6 and a half to 8 hours later. I feel amazing, I'm more energized and I can think more clearly.

I also realized how in love I am with lance and that hes not totally at fault for the way our relation ship is at the moment. I have not been great to him either lately due to my own stress and insomnia. I have been taking it out on him a lot, and now I feel like it's too late...

He's not sure that he even really loves me anymore, and that alone breaks my heart. I am not sure how to handle it because as of right now I can't imagine my life without him. I'm staying with a friend for at least a week to give him his space.

I took him for granted and I am so sorry.
All I can pray for now is that he can love me again...
or that my heart will be able to withstand it's break.

I love you, please forgive me

What makes this even harder for me, is today is our 3 year anniversary... so many awesome memories torment me right now...

Heatbreaking

The closer I try to get to him the more he's pushing me away. I guess it's quitting time.

I'm so hopeless

You think I would learn by now, just to shut up and keep it to myself.

Then maybe I wouldn't feel like crawling under a rock to die.


It's only my own stupid fault.

The German insomniac

It's simply amazing, i haven't spoken or really been around the German language for year and years, (since I was like 4!) and yet I can understand it when I read it ( very VERY slowly of course) and when I sound it out lol.

I am not sure why it makes me so happy with myself. Maybe its because I feel accomplished or I have the ability to do something I did think was even possible anymore.

All I can think about now is, "why the hell am I posting a blog about this now?"

Because this is why I started a blog, for my been able to mindless nonsense that no one wants to hear me babble on about.

I have actually had a lot on my mind lately. It's kind of irritating because I haven't been able to fall asleep at night. I know I have a serious problem with insomnia, but it's been horrid lately. I can feel it taking a toll on my body and mental state of mind, and it doesn't feel good. I have tried drinking chamomile before I go to bed, but it hasn't been working. So I think I am going to have to invest in some pills, because I can't focus on anything,I've been loosing my balance, my hand eye coordination sucks, and I drag my feet during the day.

Yesterday I was so out of it I stabbed myself in the eye at work with a cardboard box. I had to help customers with a shut watering eye. I must have looked ridiculous.

Viruses can kiss the whitest part of my...

Yeah so after 2 dramatic weeks I have my lap top back up and running. It was very frustrating and mentally draining, but in the end I found the disk I needed to completely wipe out my computer and reload the factory disks... which means not only did I loose all of my files but I lost some of the programs I bought with my computer. Not many but a few that will be missed.

Lance got himself a new computer.

I'm a little jealous, because it's of course the one that I wanted. But hey, what can you do right?

Get over it.

Little Fish Rant

So my Parents went out and bought me a Betta Fish, as a feel better gift, because I have been going through a lot of crap lately.

They know how much I love them and offered to buy me one. At first I declined them like 5 times but then when I saw all of them I was like a little kid in a candy store. I love looking through the Bettas.

At one point after high school I had up to 5 bettas at the same time (all in separate bowls of course). My longest however was my first one back in grade school, the one that started my strange fixation on the fish. He was a homely red and blue betta and my dad caught me eying him at the pet store and bought him for me. I named him Cleo lol, and I had him for over 5 years.

Now after having over 9 bettas total, I have never had one so lazy and unwilling to eat. It has been 4 days and he hasn't eaten a thing! I was starting to wonder if it was the food I bought him, and I decided to look it up.

No one has ever told me that bettas need warm water. I never knew they depended on it my fish never had an issue with slightly cold water up until this one. I decided to give it a try and changed his water, and learned that my fish is a spaz.

He still has not eaten but I am thinking about buying him some other foods.

Now that hes happy and moving around I can see just how pretty he is!

His body is yellow and his fins are a deep blue with accents of red. He also has little black freckles and white tips on his pelvic fins.

His name is Hermes.

Warm Fuzzy Feelings

After seeing baby pictures of my cousin and wife's new little girl, It almost makes me forget that I am pissed off at my own brother for not telling me about their own child. ( They had both their babies a few days apart) Still hurts a little. But I am glad that my cousin called me to let me know and his wife isn't afraid to talk to me or dress her girl in pink. There ARE in fact normal people in my family.

They may not be blood but they are still family.

You probably wont read this but Congratulations on the New edition to the Warren Family. She is beautiful.

I'm a little agitated

I became an aunt twice this week.

both baby girls.

But I only got one phone call. I guess the other doesn't believe that I need to know.
...because they no longer see me as a part of this family?

That's really how I feel right now.

I hate it

Hate it, hate it, hate it...

and I have no idea what to do about it.

I hate this torn feeling.

What should I do?

Or will my decision be made for me,

and break my heart at the same time?

Shellfish

Hmm I hate when people say they are trying to help you out but they are really just disguising the fact that they are really only trying to help themselves out.

So in the process they become severely insensitive to your feelings.

3 years is a long time to just throw away

My heart and emotions are confused as it is.

don't let your selfishness destroy something important.

blech

Emotions are irritating...

I hate mine, they are pestering and unfair.

But they are honest and raw.

I may be able to hide it from everyone else but not myself.

Is that fair?

Irritating...

I hate being bitter,

I hate hiding myself, my past, my fears, my wants, and desires.

My dreams...

I told someone today, what I went through years ago.

Everyone goes through heartache.

Because I was trying to make a point, to someone else.

I feel left open and vulnerable.

What a sorry piece of work I am, so paranoid.

I feel almost like I might have made a mistake. I have let someone take a little piece of me when I know good and well, that giving something that precious, and yet simple, thing away...

It's like relieving a paper cut. Once you let sand in there it will burn.

Once you let someone know who you are they can hurt you.

Why am I so bitter?

I let someone in on a secrete today

It made me paranoid.

Yet at the same time

It felt good to let it go.

Over and Over again...

A dose of depression in the morning and a cup of anxiety at night...

Man this routine is getting old!

I hate how uncontrollable and obnoxious it is.

I'm going to make 2009 a better year for me.

It Hurts...

Watching someone that you care about go through the same problems that you did. You want to be there for them and tell them that it's going to be ok, but you know that it's really not.

It might get better, eventually, after the scars heal. I guess all that I can do is be there as a leg to stand on when theirs fails them.

I love you.

I am just ranting :(

I have been taking the max and bus all week in the snow to get to work because I knew that people were calling in sick and not coming in.

Now because of that I am getting sick because I don't really have any proper snow gear, especially boots, I have been wearing my chucks cause that is really all that I have next to my jogging shoes.

So yesterday me and my Lance both worked and last night when I got off of work at 7:15 my boyfriends car was totally buried in snow. And this morning it has not gotten any better.

I called in because of the circumstances and my manager just made me feel horrible. She told me I should have been prepared... I can't afford boots regardless. Then started to say OK over everything I tried to say and told me that she will not be giving me my holiday pay for this week and hung up on me... and made me cry...

One choice word right now that I will say aloud to myself, after I call the union.

I feel funny.

Maybe it's the depression. I have all this time on my hands and I really accomplished nothing. I had the whole day off yesterday and I worked on my homework only to realize that I hadn't changed a single thing!

Yeah I was working on it but I kept drifting off into a numb state of mind where I wasn't really sure what I was thinking about but I was lost somewhere in deep concentration and thought.

and while I am typing this I have discovered that I really can... type without staring at the keyboard... strange...

...

My heart is torn...

And I am not sure what to do about it...

I hate this...


Eh? what is this? A foot Note? :
Love is complicated, Love hurts, Love is unfair...

Who would have known?

Looking back at the person that I was in high school, I never would have thought that I would say homework is extremely enjoyable... but that is only because I really like working in html I like fixing random errors that are sometimes are impossible to find but have the capability of throwing your whole page off!

I feel a little better after sending it my last lab work but I am exhausted. No sleep for Natasha for the last few days. I am instead tossing around and letting petty thoughts invade me. I need prayer.

On another note I want to say that I am sad after hearing about at least 2 deaths yesterday on black Friday. Both at a Walmart in two different locations. Both employees trampled to death when customers shoved their way in. I am ashamed in them. I hope those socks were worth taking away someoned life. My only question is, did no one notice when they where stepping on a body? No Big deal or what?

I hope for their sake they are in a better place and in peace.

Hearing things like that, sadly I will admit, make me even more bitter towards people.

Like I said,

I'm ashamed.

So very sick and tired

My legs are killing me.

I feel trapped, and very emotional.

I don't think I can control it anymore and it scares me. I am fine everywhere else but when I am there. Everything just seems to be running in the direction of chaos and getting worse, I start losing control. I want to fall asleep and never wake up. I find more comfort in my dreams before the waking hour of when they turn to nightmares. I dwell.

But I am responsible. I know what life requires and I know that it could be worse. I try to find solutions and only find dead ends. I feel the pain of depression in the morning and anxiety at night.

All I can say is thank you God for ADD, but I need some help.

No body Panic!!

...But I think I just had an epiphany!

I concentrate so much of Death, It's purpose and meaning, and all the other fun little details. (Maybe fun is not really the word.) It finally all hit me like I figured out a how the pieces fit.

Death in inevitable so you shouldn't ever be afraid of die, because in the end your really just afraid to live with what you've got left. (Whoot! this is a me quote people, lets hang my name off of it!)
-natasha

Cheesy? Maybe...

I'll live lol...