I am so glad

SOOO... I went to the doctors today. And I was glad to find out that what I have is not cancer. Or at least they don't think so. lol

But that is a good enough answer for me. What I do have will be taken care of and it will only leave a little scar. thats it. I can live with that little scar.

In other news I have a huge headache from more drama that doesnt even concern me but people like to call me up and put me in the middle of it anyways... I am going to bed

Now I am getting scared

I still haven't received my health insurance card form the union and I have been working for them for 2 years now!! that means i have to call the AGAIN and have them resend it. This is pissing me off. I hope that they can just take my medical information if I don't have my card cause I cannot afford to reschedule.

ugh well see though
I can't panic like I always do.

Now I have to get ready for work.
I spent a lot of time redoing my myspace last night so go check it out guys!! leave me some love! (it's mostly switching back to the way I had it with a few tweaks)

What is really going to happen?

I am not going to lie about it... I am scared... I am tired of waiting to find out if what I have is cancer or not. I have to wait until the 27 of this month and I keep getting more and more paranoid.

I can't help thinking that I am only 20... I am to young for this. I am to young to worry about death! There is so much life that I haven't been able to live yet! This cannot be the end for me, not yet.

I wonder what happens after someone dies... I mean what REALLY happens. Since all of the dead people are dead they can't really tell us now can they? I know what I learned in church, but they can only tell you so much. The bible only tells you so much. I get the basic idea, but what about the details. And then the question that keeps coming back to me pops in my mind.

What draws the line between heaven and hell? Is believing and loving Jesus really enough? there are so many questions that no one has the answer to.

Like my grandpa who passed away a few months back would say, the human mind was only made to understand so much... or something like that. But I want to understand, I want to know.

This can't be it for me. God I believe that you have more for me than this. I feel like a story that never got a proper ending and was only written halfway through. With so many ideas dreams that never got to happen.

Maybe I am over reacting, I don't know for sure that I have cancer yet and even if I do, with today's technology I would have a chance to live.

I just have a lot on my plate right now and a lot to think about.

I would like to share this with you

Thanks to my dear friend Olivia I was inspired to buy "Blue like Jazz" an amazing book! I just now started getting into it and reading it and there is a section in the 3rd chapter that really touched me.

A story Donald Miler, the writer was telling about that he had heard. Instead of trying to describe it I am just going show you what it said.

'The folksinger said his friend was preforming a covert operation, freeing hostages from a building in some dark part of the world. His friend's team flew in by helicopter, made their way to the compound and stormed into the room where the hostages had been imprisoned for months. The room, the folksinger said, was filthy and dark. The hostages were curled up in a corner, terrified. When the SEALs entered the room, they heard the gasps of the hostages. They stood at the door and called to the prisoners, telling them they were Americans. The SEALs asked the hostages to follow them , but the hostages wouldn't. They sat there on the floor and hid their eyes in fear. They were not in a healthy mind and didn't believe their rescuers were really American.

The SEALs stood there, not knowing what to do. They couldn't possibly carry everybody out. One of the SEALs, the folksinger's friend, got an idea. He put down his weapon, took off his helmet, and curled up tightly next to the other hostages, getting so close his body was touching some of theirs. He softened the look on his face and put his arms around them. He was trying to show them he was one of them. None of the prison guards would have done this. He stayed there for a little while until some of the hostages started to look at him, finally meeting his eyes. The Navy SEAL whispered that they were Americans and were there to rescue them. Will you follow us? he said. The hero stood to his feet and one of the hostages did the same, then another, until all of them were willing to go. The story ends with all of the hostages safe on an American aircraft carrier.'

And then he goes on about how Jesus didn't just ask us to follow him, He became like one of us. He became and man and showed us that he was God. That he loved us and we could trust him.
He became a man to show us that he is our rescuer and now we have to decide to follow him.
It really said a lot to me and I just wanted to share it with you.

I really think that you should all pick this book up and read it.

I feel horrible

So I think that I totally screwed up a good friendship, over something entirely stupid. And even though he started it and said some mean and nasty things to me, I said some things that I should have not.... And I don't know what to do.

But he is really over reacting saying that I am cut and that he doesn't have friends who bitch him out for no reason and that he did nothing at all... right.

I tried to talk to him about it but he ignores me, deleted me from myspace, and is talking shit. What is up with all of the drama? All of our friends tell me he'll get over it and I have to remain the bigger person.

But It's killing me. I just can't believe that our friendship is that disposable. Maybe we wern't as good of freinds as I thought we were. It is sad, over a year of freindship gone over one stupid argument.

More waiting

Well finally got a new appmt. but it's the 27 of this month...
Oh well. I can take it. I just have to take a deep breath and remember that everything is ok.

The other day Lance put his arms around me while we were talking about it. And I told him that I am to young to die.
It's something that sounds kinda funny, and It made him smile. But at the same time he knew I was being serious and he told me that nothing is for sure yet and even if I do have it that doesn't mean I am going to die.

Then all he could say after that is, "everything will be ok..."

Everything is going to be ok
It's going to be ok...

God wrap me in your love

I think there is something wrong with me and I am not just saying that. Because I have only giving this blog link away to a select few whom I consider my closest friends. I am not sure that any of you actually read these. But I would like you to pay close attention to this particular blog post.

I have been stressing out here lately (more than usual). and it's not over petty stuff. This is NOT yet a fact... but I may have cancer. I will hopefully find out sometime this week or next if this is true or not. I can only hope that it is not the case. I have so much life to live that I don't want to give it up, not yet anyways. I can't help but to ask God, "Is this really it for me?"

I wont lie... I am scared... even if just the thought. I am sorry that I have been hiding this from you all but it's not proven yet and I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I of course will tell people if I find out that I do have it. But only certain people. It's not something that I am looking to announce.

And do explain my craziness... I have been very scatterbrained lately. I forget what the day is, or even what I am doing that moment. I can't seem to keep still. And this hasn't happened to me in a long time but I think I am seeing things. When I was younger I would always see shadows of things in odd places. I used to try and discard it as... someones shadow or an object that caught my eye. But the more that it happened the more I noticed it. It seems to be shadows in random places that catches the corner of my eye. But when I look it doesn't just go away it almost seems like it scatters. like it was really there. Or it seems to sometimes flee and hide in other set shadows... It moves. almost like it's really there. It scares me.

I always wondered why I never got any real psychological problems from the trauma in my past... but I am guessing that it is probably created from that. I seem calm at times to some people apparently but I am really a nervous wreck inside. So I think my mind creates these shadows out of paranoia. It went away for a long time but here lately there has been a lot put on my plate. I think it's comes back with stress or with my anxiety. Like my mind is trying to give me something else to worry about.

I don't know that is just my thought about it.

I need some serious advice and prayer. I can't sleep... I can hardly eat outside of work... and I am wearing down.

And if I find out that I DO have cancer... well. I am not sure how I am going to act.
I just know that my mind is in a fragile state right now. Trying to worry about too much. And I need help. I NEED help someone please.

I know this sounds pathetic. I just need someone to tell me they care about me and everything is going to be OK. To remind me that I am strong and that I am loved. Because right now I feel weak and alone.

Please keep this mostly to yourselves. I imagine that this is probably going to spread but I would like talk about this to other people to be a low minimum if any.

Love you all.