God wrap me in your love

I think there is something wrong with me and I am not just saying that. Because I have only giving this blog link away to a select few whom I consider my closest friends. I am not sure that any of you actually read these. But I would like you to pay close attention to this particular blog post.

I have been stressing out here lately (more than usual). and it's not over petty stuff. This is NOT yet a fact... but I may have cancer. I will hopefully find out sometime this week or next if this is true or not. I can only hope that it is not the case. I have so much life to live that I don't want to give it up, not yet anyways. I can't help but to ask God, "Is this really it for me?"

I wont lie... I am scared... even if just the thought. I am sorry that I have been hiding this from you all but it's not proven yet and I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I of course will tell people if I find out that I do have it. But only certain people. It's not something that I am looking to announce.

And do explain my craziness... I have been very scatterbrained lately. I forget what the day is, or even what I am doing that moment. I can't seem to keep still. And this hasn't happened to me in a long time but I think I am seeing things. When I was younger I would always see shadows of things in odd places. I used to try and discard it as... someones shadow or an object that caught my eye. But the more that it happened the more I noticed it. It seems to be shadows in random places that catches the corner of my eye. But when I look it doesn't just go away it almost seems like it scatters. like it was really there. Or it seems to sometimes flee and hide in other set shadows... It moves. almost like it's really there. It scares me.

I always wondered why I never got any real psychological problems from the trauma in my past... but I am guessing that it is probably created from that. I seem calm at times to some people apparently but I am really a nervous wreck inside. So I think my mind creates these shadows out of paranoia. It went away for a long time but here lately there has been a lot put on my plate. I think it's comes back with stress or with my anxiety. Like my mind is trying to give me something else to worry about.

I don't know that is just my thought about it.

I need some serious advice and prayer. I can't sleep... I can hardly eat outside of work... and I am wearing down.

And if I find out that I DO have cancer... well. I am not sure how I am going to act.
I just know that my mind is in a fragile state right now. Trying to worry about too much. And I need help. I NEED help someone please.

I know this sounds pathetic. I just need someone to tell me they care about me and everything is going to be OK. To remind me that I am strong and that I am loved. Because right now I feel weak and alone.

Please keep this mostly to yourselves. I imagine that this is probably going to spread but I would like talk about this to other people to be a low minimum if any.

Love you all.