5am

Ugh It is 5 in the morning and I cannot sleep... I think I just have way too much on my mind. My baggage is full and I need to just sort through all of the junk. I need to throw away all of the worry and depression and leave room for more positive thinking right now.

I need to get some sort rest though because I have a long work day tomorrow but I just can't sleep. For some reason I can't stop thinking about where my life is heading and how unhappy I am right now.

I sound like the kind of person that I hate... mopey and feeling sorry for myself... It's really easy to fall into. One of theses days it would be great to say, "hey I got a good nights sleep last night! a full 7 hours..." one of these days, one of these days...

(I also noticed that I like dots..........................)

I feel like I need some meditation time... or maybe just some good old fashion comfort... like hugs and kisses and I love yous...

Even though I am always surrounded by people... I always feel so alone. I know that God never leaves you. But for some reason I am having a hard time feeling him right now, like I am shutting him out. Like I want him to come in but I keep slamming the door in his face because I don't want him to see the mess I have inside. Even though he can see it already. When he looks down at me I wonder if he is disappointed. I wonder if he is frustrated at my procrastinations, my hiding, my lack of follow through.

Sometimes I wish I could just be a child and let him hold my hand through life. Show me where I am supposed to go and what I am supposed to do, but I guess that would be defeating the purpose of living life right?

I mean if life really did have an easy button, than everything that we have fought for now wouldn't really mean much would it?

Still it's seems so hard to think of all the good things that you have, because no matter how good you have it for some reason the mind can only think of negative. Some people more than others I am sure. It must really be irritating for people who really have nothing to hear and hear people complaining what they are not and what they do not have.

Now I feel stupid, and selfish.

Ugh I can't tell if I am being smart or it I am only puking up a bunch of rejected words that all contradict what I was originally saying. Mostly because I am tired....
I am just going to call it quits and go to bed.

I was hoping that maybe if I got some of this out that I would be able to sleep easier...

But so far I am not sure If I accomplished writing something that actually makes sense. I don't even want to say how many spell checks I had to use... My brain is just mush right now.

I am falling apart

I feel like one of those old puzzles you put together and when you have worked so hard and you have almost got it all figured out... you notice that there are pieces missing.
And finding those pieces are extremely difficult if not impossible.

I think I am beginning to feel depressed. My job sucks... there is no way to lightly put it. I don't get paid enough sometimes to cover my half of the bills, sometimes I feel used and unappreciated. I am paranoid and I am a klutz. I can't drive and every time I go to practice something goes wrong. I am tired all the time and I don't want to do anything, most likely because I am exhausted from work. I can't go to school because of time and money and I don't even know what I am good at to even pursue.

My life is so messed up, and I feel like I have stopped but time just keeps slipping away and before I know it I am gonna be saying... "what the hell did I do with my life?" Same routine everyday... same everything. I have goals and dreams but every time I do to accomplish something nothing works out. Every thing falls apart and I become discouraged.

I shrink back down into my little hole and live day by day and nothing is changing. I am not sure what to do anymore so I can change it.

Am I not meant to be happy? Why can't one thing go right for me so I can say "wow I am making a difference in my life." so I actually want to live it?

I want my life to come together so it will stop falling apart.

The New car smell

I asked Lance the other day if he had seen a change in me. Not physically (even though I started to work out again) but personality wise.

When we run into confrontations I not longer yell of cry or dwell on the hurtful things that were said, because I have realized that when you become close to someone you sometimes say things that you don't mean. And you have to become the bigger person sometimes to say that you were wrong because most of the time horrible words were exchanged from both sides.

My dad always used to tell me that I never got to have a "normal" childhood and I had to grow up faster than most children because of what my past was like. Maybe that's why I am sucha kid now. But I am growing out of it. Yeah I will always love coloring with crayons, playing video games and with my transformers toys, but I can happily say that I see a change in my personality. I feel almost as though I found a new strength that God has been trying to show me all this time. A confidence that I have been needing to find for quite a while now.

And most of all being able to like myself for who I am and not to beat myself up for what I am not. Before I would aways put so much effort in trying to get people to like me. Now it's you better like me or take a hike cuz I'm not changing for you.

And I just wanted to share with with all of you because if you don't always feel this way then you should because you all are wonderful and beautiful just the way you are. Just the way God made you.

much love,
natasha

I have been locked out

Enough of pointless blogs that people only ready the title and first sentence of before skipping it...
Lets open up a bit shall we?

I feel like my mind has bocked of my hands abilities to create. I have all these ideas in my mind and when I go to bring them to life... nope nothing. Or it just doesn't turn out the way I had pictured it.

Ugh this makes me want to just quit all together. I know I am capable of something decent, so why then do I have a pile of paper balls in the corner of my room.

Why wont my art come out they way I want it to?

Try, try and try again? Or take a break for a while?

I just want to show myself more than others what I am capable of.