5am

Ugh It is 5 in the morning and I cannot sleep... I think I just have way too much on my mind. My baggage is full and I need to just sort through all of the junk. I need to throw away all of the worry and depression and leave room for more positive thinking right now.

I need to get some sort rest though because I have a long work day tomorrow but I just can't sleep. For some reason I can't stop thinking about where my life is heading and how unhappy I am right now.

I sound like the kind of person that I hate... mopey and feeling sorry for myself... It's really easy to fall into. One of theses days it would be great to say, "hey I got a good nights sleep last night! a full 7 hours..." one of these days, one of these days...

(I also noticed that I like dots..........................)

I feel like I need some meditation time... or maybe just some good old fashion comfort... like hugs and kisses and I love yous...

Even though I am always surrounded by people... I always feel so alone. I know that God never leaves you. But for some reason I am having a hard time feeling him right now, like I am shutting him out. Like I want him to come in but I keep slamming the door in his face because I don't want him to see the mess I have inside. Even though he can see it already. When he looks down at me I wonder if he is disappointed. I wonder if he is frustrated at my procrastinations, my hiding, my lack of follow through.

Sometimes I wish I could just be a child and let him hold my hand through life. Show me where I am supposed to go and what I am supposed to do, but I guess that would be defeating the purpose of living life right?

I mean if life really did have an easy button, than everything that we have fought for now wouldn't really mean much would it?

Still it's seems so hard to think of all the good things that you have, because no matter how good you have it for some reason the mind can only think of negative. Some people more than others I am sure. It must really be irritating for people who really have nothing to hear and hear people complaining what they are not and what they do not have.

Now I feel stupid, and selfish.

Ugh I can't tell if I am being smart or it I am only puking up a bunch of rejected words that all contradict what I was originally saying. Mostly because I am tired....
I am just going to call it quits and go to bed.

I was hoping that maybe if I got some of this out that I would be able to sleep easier...

But so far I am not sure If I accomplished writing something that actually makes sense. I don't even want to say how many spell checks I had to use... My brain is just mush right now.