That you never really miss someone until they are gone... I just hope that I am not the only one feeling that way in this situation.
I am giving him his space because this is what he wanted and for a while there It was what I wanted as well. Now I am not so sure.
I started taking natural sleeping pills to help me sleep at night and they really work. I find myself falling asleep and waking up anywhere from 6 and a half to 8 hours later. I feel amazing, I'm more energized and I can think more clearly.
I also realized how in love I am with lance and that hes not totally at fault for the way our relation ship is at the moment. I have not been great to him either lately due to my own stress and insomnia. I have been taking it out on him a lot, and now I feel like it's too late...
He's not sure that he even really loves me anymore, and that alone breaks my heart. I am not sure how to handle it because as of right now I can't imagine my life without him. I'm staying with a friend for at least a week to give him his space.
I took him for granted and I am so sorry.
All I can pray for now is that he can love me again...
or that my heart will be able to withstand it's break.
I love you, please forgive me
What makes this even harder for me, is today is our 3 year anniversary... so many awesome memories torment me right now...
Monday, February 23, 2009
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Heatbreaking
The closer I try to get to him the more he's pushing me away. I guess it's quitting time.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
I'm so hopeless
You think I would learn by now, just to shut up and keep it to myself.
Then maybe I wouldn't feel like crawling under a rock to die.
It's only my own stupid fault.
Then maybe I wouldn't feel like crawling under a rock to die.
It's only my own stupid fault.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
The German insomniac
It's simply amazing, i haven't spoken or really been around the German language for year and years, (since I was like 4!) and yet I can understand it when I read it ( very VERY slowly of course) and when I sound it out lol.
I am not sure why it makes me so happy with myself. Maybe its because I feel accomplished or I have the ability to do something I did think was even possible anymore.
All I can think about now is, "why the hell am I posting a blog about this now?"
Because this is why I started a blog, for my been able to mindless nonsense that no one wants to hear me babble on about.
I have actually had a lot on my mind lately. It's kind of irritating because I haven't been able to fall asleep at night. I know I have a serious problem with insomnia, but it's been horrid lately. I can feel it taking a toll on my body and mental state of mind, and it doesn't feel good. I have tried drinking chamomile before I go to bed, but it hasn't been working. So I think I am going to have to invest in some pills, because I can't focus on anything,I've been loosing my balance, my hand eye coordination sucks, and I drag my feet during the day.
Yesterday I was so out of it I stabbed myself in the eye at work with a cardboard box. I had to help customers with a shut watering eye. I must have looked ridiculous.
I am not sure why it makes me so happy with myself. Maybe its because I feel accomplished or I have the ability to do something I did think was even possible anymore.
All I can think about now is, "why the hell am I posting a blog about this now?"
Because this is why I started a blog, for my been able to mindless nonsense that no one wants to hear me babble on about.
I have actually had a lot on my mind lately. It's kind of irritating because I haven't been able to fall asleep at night. I know I have a serious problem with insomnia, but it's been horrid lately. I can feel it taking a toll on my body and mental state of mind, and it doesn't feel good. I have tried drinking chamomile before I go to bed, but it hasn't been working. So I think I am going to have to invest in some pills, because I can't focus on anything,I've been loosing my balance, my hand eye coordination sucks, and I drag my feet during the day.
Yesterday I was so out of it I stabbed myself in the eye at work with a cardboard box. I had to help customers with a shut watering eye. I must have looked ridiculous.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Viruses can kiss the whitest part of my...
Yeah so after 2 dramatic weeks I have my lap top back up and running. It was very frustrating and mentally draining, but in the end I found the disk I needed to completely wipe out my computer and reload the factory disks... which means not only did I loose all of my files but I lost some of the programs I bought with my computer. Not many but a few that will be missed.
Lance got himself a new computer.
I'm a little jealous, because it's of course the one that I wanted. But hey, what can you do right?
Get over it.
Lance got himself a new computer.
I'm a little jealous, because it's of course the one that I wanted. But hey, what can you do right?
Get over it.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Little Fish Rant
So my Parents went out and bought me a Betta Fish, as a feel better gift, because I have been going through a lot of crap lately.
They know how much I love them and offered to buy me one. At first I declined them like 5 times but then when I saw all of them I was like a little kid in a candy store. I love looking through the Bettas.
At one point after high school I had up to 5 bettas at the same time (all in separate bowls of course). My longest however was my first one back in grade school, the one that started my strange fixation on the fish. He was a homely red and blue betta and my dad caught me eying him at the pet store and bought him for me. I named him Cleo lol, and I had him for over 5 years.
Now after having over 9 bettas total, I have never had one so lazy and unwilling to eat. It has been 4 days and he hasn't eaten a thing! I was starting to wonder if it was the food I bought him, and I decided to look it up.
No one has ever told me that bettas need warm water. I never knew they depended on it my fish never had an issue with slightly cold water up until this one. I decided to give it a try and changed his water, and learned that my fish is a spaz.
He still has not eaten but I am thinking about buying him some other foods.
Now that hes happy and moving around I can see just how pretty he is!
His body is yellow and his fins are a deep blue with accents of red. He also has little black freckles and white tips on his pelvic fins.
His name is Hermes.
They know how much I love them and offered to buy me one. At first I declined them like 5 times but then when I saw all of them I was like a little kid in a candy store. I love looking through the Bettas.
At one point after high school I had up to 5 bettas at the same time (all in separate bowls of course). My longest however was my first one back in grade school, the one that started my strange fixation on the fish. He was a homely red and blue betta and my dad caught me eying him at the pet store and bought him for me. I named him Cleo lol, and I had him for over 5 years.
Now after having over 9 bettas total, I have never had one so lazy and unwilling to eat. It has been 4 days and he hasn't eaten a thing! I was starting to wonder if it was the food I bought him, and I decided to look it up.
No one has ever told me that bettas need warm water. I never knew they depended on it my fish never had an issue with slightly cold water up until this one. I decided to give it a try and changed his water, and learned that my fish is a spaz.
He still has not eaten but I am thinking about buying him some other foods.
Now that hes happy and moving around I can see just how pretty he is!
His body is yellow and his fins are a deep blue with accents of red. He also has little black freckles and white tips on his pelvic fins.
His name is Hermes.
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