blech

Emotions are irritating...

I hate mine, they are pestering and unfair.

But they are honest and raw.

I may be able to hide it from everyone else but not myself.

Is that fair?

Irritating...

I hate being bitter,

I hate hiding myself, my past, my fears, my wants, and desires.

My dreams...

I told someone today, what I went through years ago.

Everyone goes through heartache.

Because I was trying to make a point, to someone else.

I feel left open and vulnerable.

What a sorry piece of work I am, so paranoid.

I feel almost like I might have made a mistake. I have let someone take a little piece of me when I know good and well, that giving something that precious, and yet simple, thing away...

It's like relieving a paper cut. Once you let sand in there it will burn.

Once you let someone know who you are they can hurt you.

Why am I so bitter?

I let someone in on a secrete today

It made me paranoid.

Yet at the same time

It felt good to let it go.

Over and Over again...

A dose of depression in the morning and a cup of anxiety at night...

Man this routine is getting old!

I hate how uncontrollable and obnoxious it is.

I'm going to make 2009 a better year for me.

It Hurts...

Watching someone that you care about go through the same problems that you did. You want to be there for them and tell them that it's going to be ok, but you know that it's really not.

It might get better, eventually, after the scars heal. I guess all that I can do is be there as a leg to stand on when theirs fails them.

I love you.

I am just ranting :(

I have been taking the max and bus all week in the snow to get to work because I knew that people were calling in sick and not coming in.

Now because of that I am getting sick because I don't really have any proper snow gear, especially boots, I have been wearing my chucks cause that is really all that I have next to my jogging shoes.

So yesterday me and my Lance both worked and last night when I got off of work at 7:15 my boyfriends car was totally buried in snow. And this morning it has not gotten any better.

I called in because of the circumstances and my manager just made me feel horrible. She told me I should have been prepared... I can't afford boots regardless. Then started to say OK over everything I tried to say and told me that she will not be giving me my holiday pay for this week and hung up on me... and made me cry...

One choice word right now that I will say aloud to myself, after I call the union.

I feel funny.

Maybe it's the depression. I have all this time on my hands and I really accomplished nothing. I had the whole day off yesterday and I worked on my homework only to realize that I hadn't changed a single thing!

Yeah I was working on it but I kept drifting off into a numb state of mind where I wasn't really sure what I was thinking about but I was lost somewhere in deep concentration and thought.

and while I am typing this I have discovered that I really can... type without staring at the keyboard... strange...

...

My heart is torn...

And I am not sure what to do about it...

I hate this...


Eh? what is this? A foot Note? :
Love is complicated, Love hurts, Love is unfair...

Who would have known?

Looking back at the person that I was in high school, I never would have thought that I would say homework is extremely enjoyable... but that is only because I really like working in html I like fixing random errors that are sometimes are impossible to find but have the capability of throwing your whole page off!

I feel a little better after sending it my last lab work but I am exhausted. No sleep for Natasha for the last few days. I am instead tossing around and letting petty thoughts invade me. I need prayer.

On another note I want to say that I am sad after hearing about at least 2 deaths yesterday on black Friday. Both at a Walmart in two different locations. Both employees trampled to death when customers shoved their way in. I am ashamed in them. I hope those socks were worth taking away someoned life. My only question is, did no one notice when they where stepping on a body? No Big deal or what?

I hope for their sake they are in a better place and in peace.

Hearing things like that, sadly I will admit, make me even more bitter towards people.

Like I said,

I'm ashamed.

So very sick and tired

My legs are killing me.

I feel trapped, and very emotional.

I don't think I can control it anymore and it scares me. I am fine everywhere else but when I am there. Everything just seems to be running in the direction of chaos and getting worse, I start losing control. I want to fall asleep and never wake up. I find more comfort in my dreams before the waking hour of when they turn to nightmares. I dwell.

But I am responsible. I know what life requires and I know that it could be worse. I try to find solutions and only find dead ends. I feel the pain of depression in the morning and anxiety at night.

All I can say is thank you God for ADD, but I need some help.

No body Panic!!

...But I think I just had an epiphany!

I concentrate so much of Death, It's purpose and meaning, and all the other fun little details. (Maybe fun is not really the word.) It finally all hit me like I figured out a how the pieces fit.

Death in inevitable so you shouldn't ever be afraid of die, because in the end your really just afraid to live with what you've got left. (Whoot! this is a me quote people, lets hang my name off of it!)
-natasha

Cheesy? Maybe...

I'll live lol...

Happy Halloween indeed...

I like how when I am the victim I somehow turn into the "bad guy." When I am upset and lash back to defend myself I am in the wrong. But it's a-ok for me to be mistreated and then scolded for trying to do something about it.

and I like that for a second there, I actually started to blame myself. But unfortunately it's been more than a second because I've done it every time.

I am sick of being treated like the underdog. Not even my own boyfriend gives me the courtesy anymore.

If I can't defend myself and stand up for myself when I am mistreated, at work, at home, at the freaking bus stop!!! Then I am just going to walk away and leave it all behind me because I am so damn tired.

Common courtesy is all that I am asking for, just give it to me please?

oh yeah, Happy Halloween....

A tad frustraited.

I have always wanted to be a graphic designer. After the last year I have been more and more interested in Web design. I took a class in high school and I really liked it.

Me and my boyfriend are in the same html class together with two of his friends that wanted to take it as well.

I told the teacher that I wanted to go after the associates degree instead of just the certification. Now my boyfriend is saying that he wants to do the same thing.

What I am frustrated about is the fact that he is not much of a clingy, follower, has to do what my girlfriends doing kind of person. In fact he is the exact opposite. I am afraid that he might just dismiss the fact that that this is what I have been wanting to do and assume that I am the one being that way ( as it has happened in the past).

Puts a damper on my goals a little bit. But I have decided that it doesn't matter. He can do what ever he wants and me the same. If he doesn't like it then he can be the one to make a career change.

!

I almost completely forgot what I was going to say here!

I was walking to the max the other day on my way to work and as usual my mind was running circles around reality.

I started thinking about my art work and pieces that I have started or not yet started that I would much rather being doing then heading to work. Then I was distracted by some little black birds taking a bath in a puddle.

It was adorable.

I then actually looked around me to see the color changing trees and it made me think about God. He created all of this around me and it has to be the most beautiful and creative artwork without comparison. And it made me wonder if art is some thing that only God can create.

Something that "artists" can only try to imitate.

Ooooo..

Sketch blog?

Just for fun?

Sound good?

'eah I am going to do it.

indecisivenessssss

I am so indecisive.

I cant stand apartment shopping and now as I have just recently found out I hate looking for an affordable but GOOD school.

Everything has pros and cons...

EVERYTHING!

Repetition

...What a nasty thing you are.

I am in an indescribable mood right now. Not sure how I am feeling, not sure what exactly that it is that I am thinking of. I just... am.

Life is so frustrating sometimes and I am not specifically talking about my own life, but more that it is frustrating watching people make the wrong choices. Especially people you are close to. Sometimes I wish I could sit them down and make all the choices for them and tell them, "this is real life, this how it's done." But I was not build strong enough to play God.

And then I wonder why. I sometimes view life like the game of Sims. We are all walking around almost mindless and God is controlling the clicks, but if that's the case then why do we have so much freedom. Why did he create us with free will. If he knows the outcome then what is the point? Are you telling me that we are doomed to fail? Or did God give us a real opportunity to surprise even him?

We are all so unique so amazing and yet we create our own habits that send us into nothingness. Our world is lazy. I blame video games and TV. I like it just as much as the next person but where have our goals gone to? What do we strive for anymore? Everyday the murder count goes up, everyday the crime rate grows, drop outs, suicides, theft, grows. We are destroying our own and it's frustrating. I also blame it on lack of responsibility and birth control. It all starts with people who should not be parents who become so.

Because one person who doesn't give a shit raising a child in the world today, who isn't going to give a shit.

lalalalaaaalalaaa

I am in class right now waiting for it to start. I wish that it was more days a week than just one because I really enjoy it.

I have been looking into other school and thinking about transferring. We'll seeeeeee....

Web Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiite

Hmm Had my second class today and I am disappointed that the teacher has already cancled next Wednesdays class. But the good news is, that he has asked us to make a basic website and I am pretty exited about that... although I am not sure what I am going to make it on.

So I had my first class today

We were 15 minuets late,
The Teacher was 30

But over all I loved the class. It's my fist class ever in college so it all feels like a huge deal to me.
I feel exited about something. That doesn't happen to often anymore.

I feel like hurting you...

I am upset right now with life and it's constant unfairness...

Today I got pulled into the managers office and as I was listening to what they were telling me I was literally in shock.

I have been having issues with the fact that I have been picking up extra slack at work for people who choose not to do it themselves. ( whom all will remain nameless)

Especially when the get credited for the work that I did!

And as for closing I for one like to get out on time, I hate staying until all hours of the night because people can't finish their own work, sometimes we have pig like customers that make it hard but most of the time this is not the case.

Basically I was told that even though one employee gives zero effort and another gives 400% as long as the work gets done that is all that matters. There is nothing that I myself can do about it but suck it up and do the other persons work...

Where is the fairness in that? What the Hell is wrong with this world? All I could ask myself all day is why am I even trying?

Why do I even care if I get these 5 projects that no one decided to help me with all day. It's OBVIOUSLY not that big of a deal, so I guess I just shouldn't get my self all worked up over it.

So I didn't do it.


Unfortunately I am not wound that way.

She also told me that I seem unhappy where I am at...

Not shit Sherlock...

I need to smile more they told me

It gets hard trying to fake it all the time...

It's getting bad

I am trying to hold out.

If I can just wait till the 21 of this month quitting will be justified.

But work among other things is starting to wear me down, I really hate my job because I have discovered that I really dislike people.

They are rude, pigheaded, liars, thieves, and just plain out stupid enough to make a slug look like a graduated student from Yale.

I have noticed that the more I am forced to be there the more irrational I start thinking.
My life just plain sucks right now, and I think that the only thing making me think strait is knowing how my choices will affect the people that love me and think of me (which to me right now doesn't seem like very many) and my faith in the fact that God has something better planed for me.

And above all I am a smarter person than that. I know there are other paths even though they are harder and well hidden.

I am not trying to scare you guys and I only really writing this because I am hoping that buy reading it over again It will help me think clearer.

So for those of you who care (and God of course),

thank you for saving my life.